* this article has been originally published on HRKatha

Many of us have tough conversations almost every single day. They happen at work, at home, with friends and a variety of other stakeholders. We discuss the next promotion, a raise, conflicts, ideas and initiatives at work. We have tough conversations with kids, spouses, partners, siblings and parents. These conversations can push us (and those around us) forward, can improve performance at work and can strengthen bonds. Even through the toughest of conversations, we have a chance to improve our relationships with the people we communicate with.

In reality, however, we prefer not to have these important conversations. We put them off, and in the process, lose an opportunity to solve the issue, seize an opportunity, resolve a conflict, or advance an idea. We put our life on pause, lose days, months, sometimes years, as we tell ourselves, we’ll have that conversation “someday…”

What makes some conversations difficult?

Why do we put off certain conversations? What’s so challenging about them? It has all to do with the uncertainty of outcomes. We have something in our mind that we want to achieve or get from the conversation, but our major fear is that the result will not meet our expectations.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We can leverage other tools at our disposal to make difficult conversations no longer something to be feared, but something to be embraced; just another aspect of moving through the world. To shift this thinking, we need an actionable plan that can help us to get unstuck and overcome the fear of having uneasy conversations through planning and preparation. A tool that exhausts all possible situations and outcomes would be challenging to navigate, so here, I’d like to offer a universal framework that can be easily tailored for each unique situation.

Preparation: What can be your win strategy? What do you do before the conversation?

A few simple questions have helped my clients design a flow to support them through this type of conversation:

• How can you reduce stress during this type of conversation, amplify the benefits, and minimize the risks of negative effects?

• How can you stop postponing a tough conversation and start acting?

These questions can provide a starting point to guide through the preparation process, which can include the following:

Clarify intent: Get clear on your intent and what you want to accomplish through the conversation. What is the purpose of the conversation? Be honest with yourself, it will help you discover a possible hidden agenda and make sure you understand possible outcomes.

Research your counterpart: What do you know about this person? What kind of personality do they have? What ruffles this person’s feathers? What is their value system? It’s important to understand how to build the conversation, whether to use more data, present the material in a more structured or less formal way, appeal to emotions, or use metaphors and so on.

Plan: Be aware of your own emotional triggers, needs and fears. Create a plan for how you are going to centre yourself if things go out of your control. Be clear on the personal boundaries that you’d like to keep and see respected.

Draw a list: Make up a checklist of topics/ideas/aspects you want to discuss. In a hard conversation, the increased stress may play with your memory. Having a list of key points to cover will help you stay focused and ensure you don’t miss anything important.

Consider the risks: Consider the best-case scenario. It will keep you motivated and engaged. Consider the worst- case scenario. It will help you evaluate risks. Ask yourself whether you can tolerate a possibility of the worst-case scenario. Through this work, you may find out that there is nothing to fear. In some cases, the risk of the worst-case scenario may outweigh the desired outcome, and the best way to act is to hold back the conversation and reconsider your options.

Rehearse. Practice makes perfect. Sometimes, you have very clear thoughts and ideas in your head, but when it is time to speak you cannot articulate them. Having challenging conversations is a skill that can be developed. Choose a person you trust (this can be your coach, friend, or mentor) to rehearse your part of the conversation. Ask them whether your intent is clear, whether your words deliver your message and how they feel at the receiving end.

During the conversation

While begin the conversation, stay positive, keep in mind the desirable outcome, believe in yourself. As Stephen Covey wrote in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, first seek to understand then to be understood.

• Listen carefully as new information intake may help you adjust your strategy, shift your perception, or change your perspective. Listen not to respond, but to understand. Do not interrupt and let go of your immediate reaction. Reflect on what you heard by paraphrasing your partner’s arguments, use key words that your partner uses to make sure that you really understand them.
• Do not assume, ask. Assumption is a killer of relationships and conversations. Stay centered, keep your integrity. Acknowledge your partner’s point of view, but don’t allow anything to break your boundaries. Brené Brown in her book, Dare to Lead, writes, “leaders need the grounded confidence to stay tethered to their values, respond rather than react emotionally, and operate from self-awareness, not self-protection.”
• Stay curious and open-minded. Don’t seek to be right, seek to get right.
• If you’re stuck, brainstorm. Invite your partner to brainstorm to find the best win-win solutions.
• Breathe. When you breathe deeply, it sends a message to your brain to calm down and relax.
• Smile. People reflect each other’s emotions. What do you want your partner to reflect?

What if something goes wrong?

Even with all the planning in the world, you cannot script out the conversation’s outcome. Something may not go as planned.

• Don’t take a rejection or a verbal attack personally. As one of my teachers taught me: It’s not about you, and they will never stop.

• Don’t burn the bridges even if everything is greased for the skids. Give an opportunity to all other parties to calm down, think again, and try to find a win-win solution again, next time.

The good news about difficult conversations is that another one will be right around the corner, offering you an opportunity to continue to hone and develop in this area.

I hope that this step-by-step approach will help you to start an important conversation that you didn’t previously dare to have. Don’t wait for the next time or “someday…” to come (what if it doesn’t?)…carpe diem.

Sources on nurturing relationships and strategies for tough conversations that I have found insightful are as follows:

• Brené Brown, Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. (2018)

• Mark Goulston, Talking to Crazy (2018)

• Nicole Unice, The Miracle Moment: How Tough Conversations Can Actually Transform Your Most Important Relationships (2021)

• Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (originally 1989)

P.S. A friend of mine said that it looked like the preparation takes more time than the conversation. Yes, it’s true. Sir Richard Branson, spent nearly 17 years on Virgin Galactic development to achieve his dream and reach space; his flight lasted for just 90 minutes.

Have you ever thought about the way you listen to the people in your lives? I mean, really thought about it? If you observe this, you will begin to notice that we often discount the opinions and perspectives of the ones closest to us.

Why is this?

We make assumptions. We believe we understand their behavior patterns and habits. We believe, as a result of this knowledge, that we can predict their words and their thoughts.

We hear them but we aren’t actually listening.

Not surprisingly, this has a great impact on both ourselves and on our partnerships. We miss opportunities to get insights, to learn, to make informed decisions and to strengthen and deepen our relationships.

After all, we have good reason to tune out and be easily irritated. Don’t we? These are our partners, children, parents, friends, colleagues, partners… the people we talk to day in and day out…. Right?

In reality, the words of the people closest to you have more power than we give credit. These are the individuals who know you best. They can ignite an insight inside of you that you might never imagine on your own.

How does this play out?

Are you curious what this might look like in different facets of your life?

– As a leader, you may make assumptions or hold on to some unconscious bias about the people closest to you. Are you discounting the opinions of people on your team because you have pigeon-holed them and their perspective? Or, simply because they are more “junior” than you?

– In your personal life, family/friends are what many of us ascribe as having the biggest value and impact on us, but on the other hand, our actions reflect that we don’t take time to foster and develop these relationships because they are such a “given”. Family dynamics can be complicated, and each situation is unique. Consider how you are showing up, listening actively and being present for the conversations with those in your household, immediate family and circle of friends.

– And, finally, to my fellow coaches: when we work with the same client for a long period of time, we can fall into the trap of sessions becoming too predetermined. We don’t ask enough. We stop being curious. This is a mistake. We work with our clients on their development, and this client today is not the same client as they were yesterday. This is a good reminder for all of us to interact with them in this manner.

So, what do we do?

There’re a few very simple actions you can take to check yourself when it comes to conversations with those closest to you.

1. Think before you listen. If you are heading into a conversation with someone where you know you will be asking for advice or getting someone’s perspective, take a very brief moment to set an intention for being open to receiving what they have to say with as little expectation as possible. Remind yourself that because they are close to you, there may be a subconscious reaction to tune them out which can help you guard against that.
2. Stay focused on this conversation. Listen as though this was a new friend or colleague sharing with you. Notice how you listen differently.
3. If you find yourself making assumptions, take a moment to pause the conversation and ask a question (or a few).
4. As you walk away from the conversation, take a minute to reflect without judging yourself and simply observe: How did that go? What assumptions did I bring into the conversation? Was I open to receive their input?

Do you notice a difference in how you think about your interactions after this reflection? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

I’ve been thinking about a common word we should consider banning from use – in certain contexts, of course. This is the word “when.”

Time and again we hear (and say) these kinds of phrases:

● When I do this thing, then I’ll…

● When I get the next job, then I’ll…

● When I have more expertise, then I’ll…

● When I’m ready, then I’ll…

The list goes on.

The “When I’m…” phenomenon applies to many facets of our lives, but today, I want to talk about it in the context of the coaching relationship.

Recently, I noticed a client was postponing sessions with me. On its surface, this is not a problem. Life happens, emergencies arise. But, when I dug in a little bit with this client she shared that she was hesitant to come back until she had solved some of the new challenges that had come up since we met.

And, this was not the first time in my practice that someone postponed or didn’t schedule their next session.

It’s surprising how often I hear: “As soon as I’m good [or ready] I will come back.”

Now, I should share that I am open to allow my clients to do something that they believe is what they need. What do I mean by this?

It’s okay to….

● change the request for coaching, change the topic or explore something completely different than what first brought you to coaching.

● prepare for a session on one topic, but five minutes before, change the subject.

● plan for a 90-minute session but then ask your coach for less time.

● start your executive coaching program and come in with your personal questions, because when we coach, we’re coaching a WHOLE person.

In other words, it’s okay to have human problems.

Everything happening in your coaching is a good thing.

But I (and I know the majority of my fellow coaches will agree) implore you to come back regardless of where you are in your process.

Unfinished. Unpolished. Not “ready.”

We will help you get ready.

Remember, there’s no useless skills here. If I help you to do something in this project, you can always use this experience in your next project. Invite me in to brainstorm, poke around, challenge and question. You may just unleash your potential along the way.

Thinking about your next job? We will work together to create the right mindset and skill set for your future role, and when the time comes you will be so well prepared because we will have been working together on real life situations. This is what is key here. Not abstract forms or ideas. You have a situation, and you build your skills and mindset on the real-life situation.

One of the best comments a client shared with me was “I feel good about being imperfect with you.”

The messy bits are where the growth happens.

Let’s just imagine we’re all perfect: we look like soldiers… the same space, same order. In our differences and imperfection, however, we create the beauty of this planet. This planet is not something solid and smooth. Everything is diverse. This diversity is what creates life on this planet. It is sometimes dark, light, warm, cold… but, always, good.

Your coach doesn’t want you to show up perfectly. They want you to show up as you.

So, if you find yourself saying “I will do this when…” when it comes to your coaching, your development, or your growth, please take a pause.

“When” can be a killer word.

The answer to “when?”

Now.

I found a photograph the other day. In this photograph, I am sitting on the porch of our first house here in America. I am removing the paint from kitchen cabinets. I remember that it took hours. I was so proud of myself once this project was complete. I repainted each cabinet; I made them beautiful.

I don’t know if I’ll ever need to use this skill again. I’m not sure if I’ll ever need to remove paint from cabinets or do any type of kitchen refurbishment. Looking at this photo again got me thinking: Does that mean this was a wasted skill to learn?

I remember hearing this sentiment a lot as a child and maybe you heard some version of it, too: “When you leave school, just forget about what you learned, because you will never need it again.”

This stuck with me.

And, the comments continued.

“When you come to work, forget everything you learned at university because you won’t use it.”

What is the message here? You are investing a lot of time in learning, but you won’t need this in your life.

Do I agree? Do I feel that skills obtained that go unused have been a waste of time? Something worth forgetting?

It might not surprise you to hear that I say “no”… My take is that there is no wasted learning or wasted skills because you never know what you can use in the next moment.

Sometimes it will be a direct connection and sometimes it will be indirect.

For example, I learned how to milk a goat. Yes, it is true. And, where can I use this skill again? I don’t plan on spending too much time around livestock any time soon…

But here’s how I think about it (and this is where the “indirect” connection comes in): It’s not exactly what I learned. It is often the mindset, perspective, experience, or secondary skills gained that are what sticks with us the most. Often, a lesson learned may even be (unknown) preparation for something awaiting you in your future.

When it comes to that cabinet work? This showed me that I can do physical labor and I enjoy doing this. It really calms me down and has helped me see that whatever happens in my life, I can deal with it. I can take on challenges and overcome the unknown.

Another example: baking. How to make a perfect cake is not the only thing I have learned from baking. I also honed my ability to appropriately allocate my time and attention, to complete several tasks simultaneously and to pay attention to many items in my head while keeping the big picture in mind. Said another way: I applied my project management skills to a new hobby.

Ultimately, we don’t know what, when and how we will use the many skills and experiences we pick up, but I dare say there’s no such thing as a useless skill.

And if you happen to hear of anyone needing their goat milked… you know where to find me.

All the photos are provided by Maria Wade.