Me: So, what encouraged you to start coaching?

Meg: I’m actually not sure. My boss sent me here.

Me: Why do you think he did?

Meg: He said something like “the time has come for you to become a manager.” But, I don’t think he’s serious.

Me: What makes you think that he’s not serious?

Meg: Well, a bunch of things. I’m not young, I’m a black woman, a single mom, an immigrant…

Me: Anything else?

Meg: There is no vacant manager position for me. The position that I would consider as a promotion is occupied…although I do a lot of the responsibilities of this role when the manager is off, and my boss asks me to help…It seems impossible.

It was the start of 2020, a tough year for everyone, and I was offering pro-bono hours for high-potential employees with the organization I was working with who were not originally part of my formal coaching agreement.

My conversation with Meg happened during one such coaching session, and it was clear from this initial meeting that, though Meg wanted to progress in her career, she felt stuck. It seemed nearly “impossible” for her to move on to her next opportunity.

What were some of the areas that were holding her back?

First, Meg had trouble seeing the possibility of a promotion or new role, as she saw no clear career path within her organization. She acknowledged that because of differences in their identities (she is a Black woman, immigrant and the majority of the organization’s leadership is white, American men), she didn’t believe, deep down, that her boss was serious that she could be a contender for a role.

Additionally, she thought it might be too late for her, given her age and tenure in the workforce and, as she continued to point out, there was only one clear path for her to move up and someone was already in that role.

As we dug deeper and deeper, at the core of it – due to all of these factors and more – was Meg’s fear of articulating her desire to be promoted.

Because the situation felt impossible, speaking up felt pointless.

What changed?

In a word: Meg.

Together, we began the process of awakening her awareness about her strengths and her narrative about the situation and herself. She began to look at herself differently and opened herself up for opportunities.

We peeled back the layers; she was not used to speaking about herself, her interests, and what she wanted. As we continued to meet, she became ready to act, but realized she needed tough conversations. It was somewhat of a painful process for her, so we talked through how to schedule and conduct this conversation; we practiced how it might go.

Instead of focusing on the fact that the role was already held by someone else, she focused on her own leadership potential, outside of any one specific job. She invited a supporter and an accountability partner into her life and she began to prepare.

Then, Meg took a critical step that so many people feeling “stuck” never take.

She advocated for herself.

She had the conversation. A very straightforward conversation. She was clear about her expectations, her needs and her goals.

The end of this story? Ultimately, Meg did not get the position.

In fact, they actually created another position just for her.

That’s right. She never dreamed that she would get promoted because someone else was in the next role and ultimately she was right; but then she took action and opened the door for this brand new opportunity.

It had once seemed impossible and it all happened because Meg chose to leverage sounding her boards, create the possibility, and prepare for and face tough conversations. She opened the door and walked through.

And in the process, Meg learned that even the (seemingly) impossible can be possible.

*A caveat – Not every self-advocacy story ends exactly like Meg’s, but, through articulating your goals and developing proficiency around speaking to your aspirations, you will increase your ability to have open and transparent conversations about the seemingly impossible.

Photo by Lagos Techie on Unsplash

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love

I’d like to begin to talk about fear. I hear this word in approximately 80% of my coaching sessions. It is at the crux of many challenges when it comes to our growth and progress. There is so much to unpack, decipher and manage when it comes to fear that I know this will just be the start of many conversations around this topic.

Today, I want to dig into this aspect of fear: We all have a choice when it comes to fear.

We can experience False Emotions Appearing Real or Face Everything and Rise.

The choice is up to you.

Before we jump too far ahead to some of the ways we can respond to our fear, let’s address some questions around fear, starting with a common definition.

What is fear?

Karl Albrecht, an author and management consultant, defines fear as “an anxious feeling, caused by our anticipation of an imagined event or experience.” Albrecht posits that every single fear we have can be tied back to one of five core fears. These are:

1. Extinction – the idea you will cease to exist;
2. Mutilation – this is rooted in our body’s boundaries;
3. Loss of autonomy–being held beyond our control;
4. Separation–experiencing disconnection;
5. Ego-death- most commonly manifested as humiliation, embarrassment or shame.

Ego-death/humiliation fear is the most common type of fear that I see in my practice.

How does fear show up?

When fear shows up, it very often manifests itself physically. Last week, I was in a session with one of my clients. A big organizational change was underway and this client needed to deliver the news. Together, we were walking through their change management plan and designing a meeting for employees to raise awareness of this change and create space for open dialogue with them. As we dug deeper together, I could sense a bit of resistance on the part of my client. I asked:

– What do you think is interfering with your desire to run this meeting? – I’m afraid that they won’t listen to me and say something like “You’re not my boss.” I’m afraid that they will say “I don’t want to do things this way, we have always done things differently.” I’m afraid that they will talk behind my back, that they will think that I’m incompetent, that they won’t follow me… – What do you feel? – I feel fear. – Where in your body do you feel it? – In my stomach.

Why should we release fear?

At this point, some skeptics out there may express their cynicism: Is being afraid really all that bad? Here are just a few reasons why releasing fear will help us step into our higher purpose:

• Fear constricts everything, especially thinking
• Leaders driven by fear pay a high energetic cost: working hard without creating what they want
• Leaders driven by fear habitually seek safety over purpose

Additionally, according to experts, fear and trauma can weaken the immune system, which can lead to severe physical ailments. Living in a state of constant or frequent fear may also have a negative impact on our mental health, bringing about depression and heightened anxiety, among many other symptoms.

While we cannot control a feeling of fear, we can work to let the feeling go when it arrives.

So, what can I do?

We have identified that fear is real, it is common and there are several negative potential ramifications to not releasing our fear. When fear shows up, here are some things you can do to transform your F.E.A.R. into a “Face Everything and Rise” experience:

• Allow an appropriate emotional release to restore thinking. Crying can make you smarter. After laughter, thinking improves.
• Ask yourself: Why am I so afraid? What evidence do I have that my fear is valid?
• If you’re new to this idea, don’t fight your fear alone. Do this in partnership with your coach, therapist, or another person you trust.
• Finally, all fear is of future events. If you are established in the “now moment,” you cannot be afraid. So, ask yourself: Where am I now? Look around you. Is your space safe? Take a deep breath in and out.

Smile. You’re not alone. We all are fighting our fears. And by making a choice, we’ll finally win.

So, what do you choose? False Emotions Appearing Real or Face Everything and Rise?

And remember, there is always a choice.

Photo by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash

Since the day my family and I decided to settle down in the United States slightly more than five years ago, I have been feeling like I’m rafting on the mountain river. Sometimes there are very small rough areas, sometimes there is whitewater, big waves, large rocks and hazards that called for a firm hand on the oars.

As you probably know, dealing with risk and the need for teamwork is often a part of the rafting experience. I started my journey alone and met great people on my way. I see them as my team and my tribe now. Thanks to the support and trust of all my people ­– my family, teachers, friends, mentors, clients, Columbia classmates – my dangerous adventure has become a part of me evoking a great transformation in my personal and professional life.

So, rafting through multiple tasks, working and studying hard, I have noticed that my energy doubles when I coach. Coaching is my passion and my mission, my partnerships with my clients are the source of my super-power – the more I coach the better I feel. My kids say that I remind them of the mom from the Incredibles because I have my own super-power.

The unlimited acceptance and support of my people encouraged me to choose my Day Name, or Coach Name, or even better Super Helper Name. I know how difficult it to pronounce or spell my last name, Dvurechenskaya, and how my English-speaking clients refer me to their friends and colleagues as Maria, the great coach with a very long last name. So, I decided to make it easier for people to remember my name. I’d like to introduce my Super Helper Name, Maria Wade, that I will use from this day onward.

This choice is no groping about blindly, I see the meaning in my new name.

My original name, Dvurechenskaya, is translated from Russian to English as “belonging to two rivers”, and I don’t want to separate myself from the rivers, the water, this elemental force.

“Water is the ‘valley spirit,’ the water dragon of Tao, whose nature resembles water – a yang in the yin, therefore, water means spirit that has become unconscious.” – wrote Carl Jung. The water is also the place of transformation: Proteus, the water god, turns into a lion, a snake, a tree; Thetis, the Nereid, transforms herself into a bird and a tree while courting Peleus.[1]

It reminds me of the coaching process when we go to the depths to explore our unconscious to awaken awareness, draw a clear picture and transform ourselves.

In my new name, I love the familiar sounds from my father’s name and my family’s name, the meaning and energy of the word “wade”; it resonates with me.

wade (Merriam-Webster.com)
verb \ ˈwād \
intransitive verb
1: to step in or through a medium (such as water) offering more resistance than air
2: to move or proceed with difficulty or labor wade through the crowd; wade through all the evidence
3: to set to work or attack with determination or vigor —used with in or into wade into a task
transitive verb
: to pass or cross by wading

Can you hear the voice of the river in my name? I can. I trust my intuition, I feel this name, I embrace its power and energy. I bring this energy to my work.

As you understand, this change has re-branding as a consequence. I’m going to move from abstract MDC Executive Coaching to Maria Wade Executive Coaching: Thinking Partnership.

I’m open to learning your thoughts, opinions, and comments about my decision. Feel free to share them with me and my readers.

I received a revised version of the ICF Code of Ethics* in an email last week. I was surprised to see that the original Code of Ethics after numerous hours of research, conversation and thoughtful review of an international team of experienced coaches had not become a cumbersome and oversophisticated set of rules, on the contrary, it had gotten lighter, clearer, and easier to follow. I appreciate simplicity in complex things.

Reading this new version I contemplated the reasons that encourage coaches to adhere to the ethical standards. Certainly, there are sanctions for breaching the code. But I am sure that it’s not so easy to catch a coach red-handed. Except being a party to a big scandal or a subject of a complaint, an unscrupulous coach can hide his or her wrongdoing for years, so what really keeps coaches within the boundaries?

Following my habitual practice of reflection on my coaching practice I discovered my own reasons to follow the rules. By the rules I mean the ICF ethical standards and competencies.

Reason #1. Flavor of Professionalism

Professionally accepted standards of personal and professional behavior help people take the profession seriously. All the prestigious, from my perspective, professions are bound with ethical standards, regulations, and rules. I grow up with both parents serving in the army, so discipline and following rules was the norm. In my first profession as a lawyer I learned to keep the secrets of others. Later when my mom was honorably discharged from the army and started her own psychology practice, there were ethical standards again. Each project manager can tell you that breaching the professional code of conduct you are taking the risk of losing at least your good name, sometimes job and professional accreditation.

I have been following different kinds of professional codes of conduct, ethical standards and respecting other people’s confidentiality and privacy throughout my whole career. “How is the coaching engagement going on?” asks my client’s boss, “how is Brad doing?”. I don’t answer this type of questions and never will. I have promised my client that everything that we work on will stay inside the coaching conversation between two of us. In any case this is not my job to evaluate my client’s progress.

Reason #2. Clients’ Trust is Precious

For me, the key ingredient of a successful coaching engagement is a trustworthy relationship between a coach and client. Building my relationship with a client I expect honesty from my client and demonstrate a rigorous commitment to speaking the truth. Being vulnerable and honest we are establishing our secret society to create a safe space for modeling, experimenting, and testing ideas before bringing them into the client’s system. And I know that my clients are very intelligent and wise, they will feel any lie, insincerity, or sham. Once it happens, I’ll lose my client’s trust, so I’ll lose my client. I can’t afford this, because I believe that my clients make me who I am. Without clients – no matter how good I am – I’m not a coach.

Reason #3. Professional Pride

“Do it well or don’t do it at all,” said my father when we discussed my school and everyday performance, “life is short, don’t waste a minute doing something badly.” Initially this phrase made me a crazy perfectionist, I was even proud to be one. Now I can proudly say that I am a recovering perfectionist, my experience as a client in coaching helped me find out that my obsession about doing things perfectly leads me to frustration. How to measure perfection? How much is enough?

My clients know that I always ask them to find a way to measure their goals and degree of success because someone said if we didn’t measure things we wouldn’t know how good we were at measuring the things that we’re measuring!

In other words, I follow the ethical and professional rules with all their requirements – to be honest, respect my clients’ confidentiality and privacy, constantly push myself to improve, and so on – because as a member of a professional coaching community I don’t want to be mistaken for a quack of a coach and for my clients to say after working with me “oh, I know these coaches,” I do want to be an exemplar of a good coach.

Reason #4. Curiosity

You know that coaches don’t advise nor do they lead their clients toward outcomes desirable for coaches. These are our basic rules. But it’s easier said than done. It requires a lot of self-discipline from coaches to stay neutral and unbiased.

Interesting fact that in the very beginning of my coaching practice it was difficult to believe that clients know all the answers. In a role of a client I expected something miraculous from a coach wanting a magic pill; I was even angry when my coach encouraged me to think harder and create my own solutions. Nevertheless, with practice, I have seen that it was true, we already know all the answers.

Yesterday, during a coaching session with a client of mine I realized what motivates me not to meddle in my client’s way of thinking and learning. My natural curiosity helps me sit tight and observe silently. No matter how cool my ideas about a client’s situation are, my clients’ ideas are a million times better that mine because they are relevant, based on personal experience, natural traits, gut feeling after all. And then, the client shifted her behavior from feeding back to feeding forward so organically that I was stunned with this beautiful shift from guessing and reacting toward proactive asking.

Reason #5. Growth Mindset

I’m not that young, but I don’t want to be old. I believe that the main secret to staying young and resilient is continuing personal and professional development. I’m obsessed with learning, exploring, researching. I love to work and learn; I’m passionate about applying my knowledge and skills in real life situations. So it’s easy to stick to the requirement “to commit to excellence through continued personal, professional and ethical development”. Also, I do enjoy being supervised, it encourages me to think that reflection on my coaching practice during supervision sessions prevents me from becoming an uncontrollable despot for my clients.

Reason #6. Discrimination on the Basis of Value System

“Handsome is as Handsome Does”, this phrase helps me describe my personal discrimination policy. And even here, I allow some leeway. Who am I to judge? I believe in people’s uniqueness and equality. I vote for equal support for all people who have accepted conventional social norms regardless of their races, religion, personal traits, and other aspects that make people different and unique. I vote for limitless support for people who are changing themselves to be a better version of themselves, changing the world to live in a better world, and helping others to survive and succeed through their lives.

I bet none of my former and present colleagues follow the rules under pressure of fear of retaliation for misbehavior. All of us have our own reasons to act a certain way. You are very welcome to share your story and point of view on this topic. I’d like to hear what motivates you!

*The ICF Code of Ethics is reviewed every three years. The most recent update began in 2018 and involved a large Code Review Team with individuals from 16 countries. The updated Code will be effective beginning January 1, 2020. The revised version of the Code is available on the ICF website.

** The article originally published on December 20, 2019 on LinkedIn.