I am an optimist.

Is this a bad thing?

Well, I hear a conversation happening in many circles right now.

Just think positively. Or… Feeling down? Engage in uplifting self-talk. Or… Everything happens for a reason. Or… Choose to be happy.

None of these sentiments, on their surface, are bad things, but I do want to caution you about being overly-optimistic.

But, have you ever even heard of being “overly-optimistic” or “too positive” or “too resilient”? Is this even a thing?

Let’s dissect this concept a bit.

What’s Happening Behind Toxic Positivity

There are many people out there who engage in a consistently positive attitude, no matter the reality. They believe complete positivity is the answer to achievement and to avoiding failure, to attracting the “right” relationships and to moving through life unhurt and without fear. They believe that since we can make a choice to be happy and just be happy, that we should.

Don’t get me wrong. I love joy! However, when positivity, optimism and resilience are solely manufactured, I believe it is time to step back and take stock.

But, Maria [you may be thinking to yourself]… if I’m not working at being optimistic all of the time, then I am bound to feel… well… a whole range of other emotions. Like…even negative emotions! I might feel sad or bad or unhappy or jealous or angry or frightened or disillusioned or concerned or melancholy or…

Yes, I get the idea. And yes, this is true.

But to live in a state of forced positivity and to white-knuckle ourselves to happiness is counter-productive to our growth, our truth and our peace.

To force positivity is to deny reality. And this creates a distance between those who try to do this and their friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances, because individuals who force this positivity will appear to be out of touch with an entire range of emotions. They often lack an understanding of how people can be upset or hurt. They can lose their compassion and their empathy.

In my practice, when I engage people experiencing negative emotions, I let them know this is okay. After all, this is what really makes us different from any kind of species: we have our emotions. I do not suggest my clients reframe negative emotions or talk themselves out of them. That would only serve to deny their experience.

Negative emotions are something we need to understand and acknowledge. To explore. And even sometimes to savor.

We can sit with not only the what of the emotion, but the why of the emotion.

Negative Emotions

We’ve traditionally viewed negative emotions as indicators that something isn’t functioning as it should. Sometimes, we may even feel ashamed for experiencing them. In practice, I’ve observed that male clients are surprisingly more willing to explore their negative emotions, whereas female leaders tend to deny them by ignoring or suppressing. The reasons for these observed differences could be the subject of another blog post. For now, I want to emphasize that negative emotions are invaluable; they prompt us to analyze and reflect.

Let me reiterate for everyone: Emotions have often been viewed as indicators or built-in reactions. However, they are not your permanent state. And here’s a fascinating twist: our nervous system doesn’t categorize emotions into ‘bad’ and ‘good.’ This insight invites us to reevaluate our emotions repeatedly.

But what if we shift our perspective, following the insights of Lisa Feldman Barrett, and see our emotions not just as indicators but as predictions? This understanding transforms our approach. Emotions then become our brain’s predictions based on past experiences, suggesting how we might react to similar situations in the future.

So, let’s take these negative emotions we experience. Instead of ignoring them, let’s understand them as predictions and use them to our advantage. Initially, let’s acknowledge them without attempting to dissect each one. Then, let’s examine these emotions under a new light: What do I predict? How can this foresight serve me? What does it teach me about my anticipated reactions? What insights do I gain about myself that were previously obscured?

To move beyond these predictions and not let them define our reactions, we can engage in activities such as breath exercises, meditation, or physical activities. These practices help us to reframe and rewire our brain’s predictive models. We’ll be optimists, but of a different kind—thoughtful and conscious.

Remember, reevaluating our emotions as predictions isn’t a quick fix. While we might outsmart our brain temporarily, our body’s wisdom isn’t easily bypassed.

This approach is a choice. A powerful choice. You decide how to interpret and use these predictive emotions. You can release them, or you can explore and play with these anticipatory feelings—mindful, though, not to let them deplete your energy.

For a deeper understanding of emotions as predictions, I highly recommend checking out Lisa Feldman Barrett’s insightful explanations on this topic.

Time to Reflect

The next time you feel a negative emotion surfacing, see what it feels like not to stuff it down, not to reframe it immediately, not to suppress it, or push it aside in the name of (toxic) positivity.

Explore what it feels like to acknowledge it. To examine it. To peel it back a bit and uncover something valuable from it. To thank it for providing some insight for you.

And then, to start planting the seeds for new, better predictions. You’re the only person who can make changes in your life.

Believing in you,

Maria

Breathe! It’s safe to breathe.

We generally take our breath for granted. Breathing is automatic. You don’t need to remember to breathe when you go about your day or when you sleep. The respiratory center at the base of our brain controls our breathing subconsciously.

That said, you can take control of your breathing if you want. For example, you can hold your breath staying under water or train it for speeches or singing. 

But, have you ever noticed how often you hold your breath subconsciously?

In his Psychology Today article, “Waiting to Exhale,” Alan Fogel, PhD. provides us with some insight. “Usually, breath holding occurs under stress or threat. It can also occur when we are anticipating something or wanting something to happen: this is the origin of the phrase, “Don’t hold your breath!” when expected things may not come true.”

When given the choice, most of us would say that we yearn to stay in a state of “relaxed breathing,” however, we likely don’t even not even realize when we switch over to what is called “effortful breathing.” Fogel goes on: “effortful breathing…[is] not healthy because the muscular effort, coupled with the effects of stress on the nervous, hormonal, and immune systems, can impair both physical and psychological function.”

Not all breathing is created equal.

In addition to effortful breathing, I’m going to share another type of breathing with you. Have you ever heard of the term “screen apnea”? Screen apnea is a breath hold or engaging in shallow breathing while you’re looking at the screen. Looking at a screen…this something many of us do for hours a day without even thinking about it!

As shared in this Business Insider article, studies have shown that we can go into a state of “shallow breathing, breath-holding and hyperventilating” when we are in front of our screens. This action triggers “the sympathetic nervous system toward a fight-or-flight state” and our bodies are physically getting ready to take serious action. “Our bodies are tuned to be impulsive and compulsive… we also become tuned to over-consume.”

Said another way: Have you ever been scrolling through Instagram only to look down and notice an entire box of cookies is gone. Who came in and stole these without my realizing it? you may ask yourself, as you wipe the crumbs from your shirt. This is all a result of screen apnea. “In this state… we reach for every available resource, from food to information, as if it’s our last opportunity— pulling out our smartphones again and again to check for e-mail, texts and messages.”

How can we approach breathing with intention? The answer is simple: breathwork.

We now know a bit about what kind of breathing we want to stay away from, but is there a way to remedy this?

The answer is yes. We can move away from effortful breathing and into intentional or controlled breathing. This is breathing that actually helps and supports our bodies and our minds.

As the reading on screen apnea notes, “Deep and regular breathing, also referred to as diaphragmatic breathing, helps to quiet the sympathetic nervous system.” The next time you pick up your phone to check email or send a text, see if you can get in tune with your body. Notice how you feel physically. Approach your breath with intention. But, this isn’t just about being mindful of our time on our screens. This is about intentional breathing in all situations.

While various breathing practices have been known for centuries, studies are merely beginning to reveal the benefits of controlled breath, also known as breathwork. It has been found that breathing practices can help reduce stress, burnout, anxiety, hormonal imbalances, sleep issues, depression, and other disorders. It can improve circulation and blood pressure and even increase anti-inflammatory activity.

Who can benefit from breathwork?

You may think that breathwork is for individuals who are intensely struggling or suffering. You are right; breathwork is very supportive for stress, tension, overwhelm, fear, anxiety, burnout, and more. But breathwork is also beneficial for people who are stepping up to the next level in self-compassion, gratitude, clarity, consciousness, and connection.

I was personally introduced to breathwork one year ago and fell in love immediately. Breathwork became a life-changing experience for me. Now, I run free-of-charge breath clubs in two languages – English and Russian – offering one-on-one sessions, sessions for small groups, and intensive programs. As a result, we’re building strong conscious and connected communities of people who are transforming themselves and their lives.

Curious to try?

Join me at my Breath Club “Conscious and Connected” each month for breath sessions. These sessions are free and open for all whether this is your 1st or 50th breathwork session. We start with a meditation and continue with a conscious, connected breath technique.

New to breathwork? Don’t be intimidated with the novelty of this experience. I will stay with you at every step of your practice.

When you need additional support, close your eyes and imagine yourself in the center of the circle with us holding each other’s hands and sending you our love and support.

Do you feel stronger now?

P.S. I’m adding this update on July 27th, 2022. I’m not facilitating breath sessions now, but I breathe each Sunday with Alchemy of Breath – they offer free sessions to anyone who is interested. Check their sessions here.

“Humility is the most important quality in a leader. Being humble doesn’t mean to be passive. This is a difficult dichotomy to balance. But as with all the dichotomies–being strong, but not overbearing, for example–just the awareness of these two opposing forces becomes one of the most powerful tools at a leader’s disposal. Leaders must be humble enough to listen to new ideas, willing to learn strategic insights, and open to implementing new and better tactics and strategies. But a leader must also be ready to stand firm when there are clearly unintended consequences that negatively impact the mission and risk harm to the team.” – The Dichotomy of Leadership, J. Willink and L. Babin.

Humility vs. low self-esteem, passivity and weakness.

At first glance, these concepts may not have seemingly any connection, but once we dig under the surface a little bit, we see that there is sometimes confusion between them. Of course, we know there is a difference between pervasive self-doubt and being self-aware enough to realize you do not know everything.

So, why does this confusion happen, what does humility look like in action and what is our ultimate goal when it comes to being humble?

Let’s start with some definitions…

Humility is defined as the “willingness to seek advice, to listen to other people’s point of view, and to be open to changing her own approach.”

Low self-esteem is seen as a lack of confidence in who you are or what you can do.

When you are humble, you recognize that you’re flawed and have weaknesses. In contrast, having low self-esteem is only viewing yourself as having flaws and weaknesses, and rarely acknowledging your own strengths.

What does humility look like in practice?

While often mistaken for pure weakness, true humility is no such thing. It requires a comfortability in one’s own abilities and a confidence that denies the need for validation or applause. It can also look like vulnerability and a willingness to admit when you were wrong or that someone else may have the answers and information that you do not. These characteristics have traditionally not been valued in a leader; they are now required attributes.

I like the way Adam Grant talks about the concept of “intellectual humility.” Normally, we’re searching for evidence that we are correct. We feel the need to be right and we research to prove our point of view. Intellectual humility, however, allows our minds to stay open and curious. It actually allows us to be comfortable being — *gasp* — wrong!

But, if you are wrong, if you don’t have all the answers, if you need to say “let me look into that and I’ll get back to you,” how are you perceived? Do you lose credibility in your confidence?

Ultimate Goal is Balance

So, this is confusing, right? You may be thinking to yourself, “But, Maria, you just talked to us all about confidence and now we are supposed to be OK to throw up our hands, simply be curious and defer to others on everything?”

No! We want to come across as confident and self-assured, but also curious and want to be open-minded.

What can we do?

As with many things in life, the ultimate goal is balance.

This is about presenting confidently but also being humble enough to keep an open mind to others’ perspectives. This is about taking a stand but also being curious and open to new points of view.

Together, I believe, that through our humble actions, we can dispel the myth that confidence = competence and humility = ignorance.

Do you have another perspective? I am both confident and curious!

*If you enjoyed this post, you may like my latest post on confidence.

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

“Lack of confidence kills more dreams than lack of ability. You’re capable of more than you think. Don’t be your own bottleneck.”

– James Clear

A lack of confidence, or a perceived lack of confidence, is a very common issue I see in my coaching practice. A number of conversations with my clients center around one of the following aspects of confidence: They may find they lack confidence, they may allow their (self-described) “perfectionist” tendencies to hide their confidence behind second-guessing and doubt, or they may worry they will come across as too confident, which they fear will reflect negatively on them.

But, what does “too” confident even mean? Where is the line between confidence and arrogance?

First, let’s start with a definition…

What are we talking about when we say “confidence?” Some of us may describe confidence as a feeling; something that, when we close our eyes, we can sense inside of ourselves. I believe confidence often comes down to having strong personal values and being willing to stand up for your convictions. Regardless of your formal definition, when we see confidence, we take notice. Confidence might sound like this…

– “She will not back down from a debate.”

– “He has raised issues with senior management that others are reluctant to surface.”

– “He negotiated for what he thought he deserved.”

– “She didn’t think twice about giving credit to her team for the successful client call.”

Do any of these sound familiar? Would you associate these with confidence? What image do they conjure up inside of you?

So, where does this “arrogance” piece come in?

As I mentioned, sometimes when I work with my clients on confidence, we can sometimes come to the “tricky bit” of this discussion, which is a fear of coming across too strongly, too direct, too… something. You likely have a picture in your mind of this as well. It has many names, but it is often called arrogance.

This is not an abstract concern: Confidence can certainly be mistaken for arrogance. The interesting thing is that there is a fine line between the two in spite of the fact that they are actually polar opposites. Think about it: much like a magnet with a positive and negative pole, arrogance and confidence can be viewed in the same respect.

So, confidence and arrogance are actually opposing behaviors?

Ultimately, a lack of confidence comes from your way of building relationships with people. If you build your relationships with honesty, openness and free-sharing of your opinion, your true self will shine. Ironically, your humility and authenticity, openness to feedback and willingness to be “real” will breathe confidence into any space.

If you are conflict-avoidant and build your relationships with a guarded nature and lack of transparency (perhaps out of fear of “looking bad”), your lack of authenticity actually becomes your confidence problem. You refuse to accept help from anyone, won’t let others take credit and put up walls.

Now what? How do we grow our confidence?

Hopefully between these two images, you have a feeling about the leader you want to be. And, here’s the good news about confidence: it is not an inherited trait. Confidence can be learned, honed, and developed.

● First, begin (or continue) your exploration of self-awareness. By opening up this process, examining your values and your behaviors, you will begin to discover so much about yourself. Once you think you’ve found out everything there is to know about yourself… go even deeper.

● Next, be vulnerable. What are your trouble spots? Where do you need support or to ask for help from others? Remember, having areas of weakness does not equate to a lack of confidence.

In “The Dichotomy of Leadership,” Jocko Willink and Leif Babin write “Confident leaders encourage junior members of the team to step up and lead when they put forth ideas that will contribute to mission success… a good leader pushes the praise and accolades down to their team.” They are secure in knowing that when the team wins, everyone wins.

Leading in tense, difficult environments where the future is uncertain is not an easy task. Asking for support makes a leader stronger, not weaker.

● Finally, be aware of your relationships with your colleagues, team and others. Notice how you speak. Are you lifting up their wins with genuine joy? Are you taking time to listen to their feedback with openness and without defense? Are you willing to admit when you were wrong?

If you want to create something beautiful in your life, start with your relationship with people.

There is nothing that says “confidence” more than an open mind and open heart.

*If you enjoyed this post, you may like: https://www.mariawade.us/post/6-tips-how-to-stop-achieving-for-the-sake-of-achieving

Photo by Amandine Lerbscher on Unsplash

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love

I’d like to begin to talk about fear. I hear this word in approximately 80% of my coaching sessions. It is at the crux of many challenges when it comes to our growth and progress. There is so much to unpack, decipher and manage when it comes to fear that I know this will just be the start of many conversations around this topic.

Today, I want to dig into this aspect of fear: We all have a choice when it comes to fear.

We can experience False Emotions Appearing Real or Face Everything and Rise.

The choice is up to you.

Before we jump too far ahead to some of the ways we can respond to our fear, let’s address some questions around fear, starting with a common definition.

What is fear?

Karl Albrecht, an author and management consultant, defines fear as “an anxious feeling, caused by our anticipation of an imagined event or experience.” Albrecht posits that every single fear we have can be tied back to one of five core fears. These are:

1. Extinction – the idea you will cease to exist;
2. Mutilation – this is rooted in our body’s boundaries;
3. Loss of autonomy–being held beyond our control;
4. Separation–experiencing disconnection;
5. Ego-death- most commonly manifested as humiliation, embarrassment or shame.

Ego-death/humiliation fear is the most common type of fear that I see in my practice.

How does fear show up?

When fear shows up, it very often manifests itself physically. Last week, I was in a session with one of my clients. A big organizational change was underway and this client needed to deliver the news. Together, we were walking through their change management plan and designing a meeting for employees to raise awareness of this change and create space for open dialogue with them. As we dug deeper together, I could sense a bit of resistance on the part of my client. I asked:

– What do you think is interfering with your desire to run this meeting? – I’m afraid that they won’t listen to me and say something like “You’re not my boss.” I’m afraid that they will say “I don’t want to do things this way, we have always done things differently.” I’m afraid that they will talk behind my back, that they will think that I’m incompetent, that they won’t follow me… – What do you feel? – I feel fear. – Where in your body do you feel it? – In my stomach.

Why should we release fear?

At this point, some skeptics out there may express their cynicism: Is being afraid really all that bad? Here are just a few reasons why releasing fear will help us step into our higher purpose:

• Fear constricts everything, especially thinking
• Leaders driven by fear pay a high energetic cost: working hard without creating what they want
• Leaders driven by fear habitually seek safety over purpose

Additionally, according to experts, fear and trauma can weaken the immune system, which can lead to severe physical ailments. Living in a state of constant or frequent fear may also have a negative impact on our mental health, bringing about depression and heightened anxiety, among many other symptoms.

While we cannot control a feeling of fear, we can work to let the feeling go when it arrives.

So, what can I do?

We have identified that fear is real, it is common and there are several negative potential ramifications to not releasing our fear. When fear shows up, here are some things you can do to transform your F.E.A.R. into a “Face Everything and Rise” experience:

• Allow an appropriate emotional release to restore thinking. Crying can make you smarter. After laughter, thinking improves.
• Ask yourself: Why am I so afraid? What evidence do I have that my fear is valid?
• If you’re new to this idea, don’t fight your fear alone. Do this in partnership with your coach, therapist, or another person you trust.
• Finally, all fear is of future events. If you are established in the “now moment,” you cannot be afraid. So, ask yourself: Where am I now? Look around you. Is your space safe? Take a deep breath in and out.

Smile. You’re not alone. We all are fighting our fears. And by making a choice, we’ll finally win.

So, what do you choose? False Emotions Appearing Real or Face Everything and Rise?

And remember, there is always a choice.

Photo by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash