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The One Word that is (Unexpectedly) Holding You Back

I’ve been thinking about a common word we should consider banning from use – in certain contexts, of course. This is the word “when.”

Time and again we hear (and say) these kinds of phrases:

● When I do this thing, then I’ll…

● When I get the next job, then I’ll…

● When I have more expertise, then I’ll…

● When I’m ready, then I’ll…

The list goes on.

The “When I’m…” phenomenon applies to many facets of our lives, but today, I want to talk about it in the context of the coaching relationship.

Recently, I noticed a client was postponing sessions with me. On its surface, this is not a problem. Life happens, emergencies arise. But, when I dug in a little bit with this client she shared that she was hesitant to come back until she had solved some of the new challenges that had come up since we met.

And, this was not the first time in my practice that someone postponed or didn’t schedule their next session.

It’s surprising how often I hear: “As soon as I’m good [or ready] I will come back.”

Now, I should share that I am open to allow my clients to do something that they believe is what they need. What do I mean by this?

It’s okay to….

● change the request for coaching, change the topic or explore something completely different than what first brought you to coaching.

● prepare for a session on one topic, but five minutes before, change the subject.

● plan for a 90-minute session but then ask your coach for less time.

● start your executive coaching program and come in with your personal questions, because when we coach, we’re coaching a WHOLE person.

In other words, it’s okay to have human problems.

Everything happening in your coaching is a good thing.

But I (and I know the majority of my fellow coaches will agree) implore you to come back regardless of where you are in your process.

Unfinished. Unpolished. Not “ready.”

We will help you get ready.

Remember, there’s no useless skills here. If I help you to do something in this project, you can always use this experience in your next project. Invite me in to brainstorm, poke around, challenge and question. You may just unleash your potential along the way.

Thinking about your next job? We will work together to create the right mindset and skill set for your future role, and when the time comes you will be so well prepared because we will have been working together on real life situations. This is what is key here. Not abstract forms or ideas. You have a situation, and you build your skills and mindset on the real-life situation.

One of the best comments a client shared with me was “I feel good about being imperfect with you.”

The messy bits are where the growth happens.

Let’s just imagine we’re all perfect: we look like soldiers… the same space, same order. In our differences and imperfection, however, we create the beauty of this planet. This planet is not something solid and smooth. Everything is diverse. This diversity is what creates life on this planet. It is sometimes dark, light, warm, cold… but, always, good.

Your coach doesn’t want you to show up perfectly. They want you to show up as you.

So, if you find yourself saying “I will do this when…” when it comes to your coaching, your development, or your growth, please take a pause.

“When” can be a killer word.

The answer to “when?”

Now.

Motivation: Is it Possible to Overthink Your “Why”?

I see it all over Instagram.

The intention is positive, but the outcome has the potential to be problematic.

I’m talking about the concept of “finding your why”.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe it is good to start to think about this. Our “why” is important. It helps us find meaning and prioritize. It allows us to filter the information we receive and create our perception of the world around us. Two people can look at the same picture, the same tree, the same sky and feel completely different things. This is because of the different “why” they each have in their life.

Our why can be the lens in which we view the world. It can impact what we see, our feelings and our actions.

We ask ourselves: Why am I doing this? It seems simple enough.

And, this is where I believe we really need to come back to: simplicity.

I talk to many people who overthink this task to “find their why”. They have been influenced by the people they follow on social media, they feel guilty for not having a “good enough” why, an altruistic why and some are even intimidated.

Shouldn’t my “why” be grand and big and lofty? Shouldn’t it be “because I want to change the world”?

Maybe. If that motivates you. If that drives you.

But grand, big and lofty actions don’t always need to come from such a huge WHY. In fact, often the most personal, seemingly small motivations can have the biggest impact and enable us to push us forward and meet our dreams.

Examples of Why

What are some other examples of simple, personal but meaningful whys? Here’s a few to think about:

– Because I want to enjoy my life

– Because I don’t know if I’ll like it, but I want to give it a try

– Because I am curious

Maria, you may be thinking. Some of these seem a bit… selfish. They are about me. They aren’t about me saving the world. Can your why really be something as simple as “Because I want to enjoy my life”?

Yes, yes, yes. 1,000 times yes. This is allowed. This is encouraged!

And…why? (joke intended!)

Because. When you are happy and joyful, you show up as your authentic self and are able to bring your unique gifts to the world.

How to Find Your (Simple) Why

Now that we understand that a personal and simple why can be beneficial and important, how do we each find that which is most meaningful for us?

Begin with your personal why by honestly answering some of these questions:

– What do I live for? For whom?

– Why do I live?

– Why do I really want to live?

– What drives me?

– What do I really enjoy doing?

– What do I want to try more of?

It is OK to start on a larger scale and then hone in on specific areas of your life. Your “why” will likely be different for different areas of work, projects, hobbies, relationships or other experiences. And, your “why” may change over time.

Be open to giving yourself the gift of curiosity as you explore your simple why. You’ll inspire others simply by exploring and living out loud.

After all, sometimes the reason for your “why” can be as simple as “why not?”

Photo by Fuu J on Unsplash

Lessons Learned: No Such Thing as “Useless” Skills

I found a photograph the other day. In this photograph, I am sitting on the porch of our first house here in America. I am removing the paint from kitchen cabinets. I remember that it took hours. I was so proud of myself once this project was complete. I repainted each cabinet; I made them beautiful.

I don’t know if I’ll ever need to use this skill again. I’m not sure if I’ll ever need to remove paint from cabinets or do any type of kitchen refurbishment. Looking at this photo again got me thinking: Does that mean this was a wasted skill to learn?

I remember hearing this sentiment a lot as a child and maybe you heard some version of it, too: “When you leave school, just forget about what you learned, because you will never need it again.”

This stuck with me.

And, the comments continued.

“When you come to work, forget everything you learned at university because you won’t use it.”

What is the message here? You are investing a lot of time in learning, but you won’t need this in your life.

Do I agree? Do I feel that skills obtained that go unused have been a waste of time? Something worth forgetting?

It might not surprise you to hear that I say “no”… My take is that there is no wasted learning or wasted skills because you never know what you can use in the next moment.

Sometimes it will be a direct connection and sometimes it will be indirect.

For example, I learned how to milk a goat. Yes, it is true. And, where can I use this skill again? I don’t plan on spending too much time around livestock any time soon…

But here’s how I think about it (and this is where the “indirect” connection comes in): It’s not exactly what I learned. It is often the mindset, perspective, experience, or secondary skills gained that are what sticks with us the most. Often, a lesson learned may even be (unknown) preparation for something awaiting you in your future.

When it comes to that cabinet work? This showed me that I can do physical labor and I enjoy doing this. It really calms me down and has helped me see that whatever happens in my life, I can deal with it. I can take on challenges and overcome the unknown.

Another example: baking. How to make a perfect cake is not the only thing I have learned from baking. I also honed my ability to appropriately allocate my time and attention, to complete several tasks simultaneously and to pay attention to many items in my head while keeping the big picture in mind. Said another way: I applied my project management skills to a new hobby.

Ultimately, we don’t know what, when and how we will use the many skills and experiences we pick up, but I dare say there’s no such thing as a useless skill.

And if you happen to hear of anyone needing their goat milked… you know where to find me.

All the photos are provided by Maria Wade.

I’m an Optimist. Is That a Bad Thing?

I am an optimist.

Is this a bad thing?

Well, I hear a conversation happening in many circles right now.

Just think positively. Or… Feeling down? Engage in uplifting self-talk. Or… Everything happens for a reason. Or… Choose to be happy.

None of these sentiments, on their surface, are bad things, but I do want to caution you about being overly-optimistic.

But, have you ever even heard of being “overly-optimistic” or “too positive” or “too resilient”? Is this even a thing?

Let’s dissect this concept a bit.

What’s Happening Behind Toxic Positivity

There are many people out there who engage in a consistently positive attitude, no matter the reality. They believe complete positivity is the answer to achievement and to avoiding failure, to attracting the “right” relationships and to moving through life unhurt and without fear. They believe that since we can make a choice to be happy and just be happy, that we should.

Don’t get me wrong. I love joy! However, when positivity, optimism and resilience are solely manufactured, I believe it is time to step back and take stock.

But, Maria [you may be thinking to yourself]… if I’m not working at being optimistic all of the time, then I am bound to feel… well… a whole range of other emotions. Like…even negative emotions! I might feel sad or bad or unhappy or jealous or angry or frightened or disillusioned or concerned or melancholy or…

Yes, I get the idea. And yes, this is true.

But to live in a state of forced positivity and to white-knuckle ourselves to happiness is counter-productive to our growth, our truth and our peace.

To force positivity is to deny reality. And this creates a distance between those who try to do this and their friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances, because individuals who force this positivity will appear to be out of touch with an entire range of emotions. They often lack an understanding of how people can be upset or hurt. They can lose their compassion and their empathy.

In my practice, when I engage people experiencing negative emotions, I let them know this is okay. After all, this is what really makes us different from any kind of species: we have our emotions. I do not suggest my clients reframe negative emotions or talk themselves out of them. That would only serve to deny their experience.

Negative emotions are something we need to understand and acknowledge. To explore. And even sometimes to savor.

We can sit with not only the what of the emotion, but the why of the emotion.

Negative Emotions

We’ve traditionally viewed negative emotions as indicators that something isn’t functioning as it should. Sometimes, we may even feel ashamed for experiencing them. In practice, I’ve observed that male clients are surprisingly more willing to explore their negative emotions, whereas female leaders tend to deny them by ignoring or suppressing. The reasons for these observed differences could be the subject of another blog post. For now, I want to emphasize that negative emotions are invaluable; they prompt us to analyze and reflect.

Let me reiterate for everyone: Emotions have often been viewed as indicators or built-in reactions. However, they are not your permanent state. And here’s a fascinating twist: our nervous system doesn’t categorize emotions into ‘bad’ and ‘good.’ This insight invites us to reevaluate our emotions repeatedly.

But what if we shift our perspective, following the insights of Lisa Feldman Barrett, and see our emotions not just as indicators but as predictions? This understanding transforms our approach. Emotions then become our brain’s predictions based on past experiences, suggesting how we might react to similar situations in the future.

So, let’s take these negative emotions we experience. Instead of ignoring them, let’s understand them as predictions and use them to our advantage. Initially, let’s acknowledge them without attempting to dissect each one. Then, let’s examine these emotions under a new light: What do I predict? How can this foresight serve me? What does it teach me about my anticipated reactions? What insights do I gain about myself that were previously obscured?

To move beyond these predictions and not let them define our reactions, we can engage in activities such as breath exercises, meditation, or physical activities. These practices help us to reframe and rewire our brain’s predictive models. We’ll be optimists, but of a different kind—thoughtful and conscious.

Remember, reevaluating our emotions as predictions isn’t a quick fix. While we might outsmart our brain temporarily, our body’s wisdom isn’t easily bypassed.

This approach is a choice. A powerful choice. You decide how to interpret and use these predictive emotions. You can release them, or you can explore and play with these anticipatory feelings—mindful, though, not to let them deplete your energy.

For a deeper understanding of emotions as predictions, I highly recommend checking out Lisa Feldman Barrett’s insightful explanations on this topic.

Time to Reflect

The next time you feel a negative emotion surfacing, see what it feels like not to stuff it down, not to reframe it immediately, not to suppress it, or push it aside in the name of (toxic) positivity.

Explore what it feels like to acknowledge it. To examine it. To peel it back a bit and uncover something valuable from it. To thank it for providing some insight for you.

And then, to start planting the seeds for new, better predictions. You’re the only person who can make changes in your life.

Believing in you,

Maria

Too Much on Your Plate? Invite Someone to Share Your Dish

I want to share a recent experience with you that stopped me in my tracks.

Initially, it was something that brought me a lot of pride, but quickly, that pride turned into concern. Should I feel pride for getting something done even if it means running myself into the ground?

My answer: An unequivocal no.

Here’s what happened.

I needed a video completed.

So, I decided to do this all myself. And when I say I did everything myself, I mean, I did everything myself. I wrote the script. I set up my camera and my sound. The quality was not that great, but who cares? Perfection is the enemy of the good (and complete). I edited the video once it was done. I created a thumbnail for this video. And I did not stop there. I found free music I was permitted to use for the video and put it all together. To finish off, I added subtitles.

Finally, after many steps and stumbling blocks, I posted the video.

At first, I was very proud (and I do still think it’s pretty cool I figured out how to do that stuff).

But, if I look closely, I can find something wrong at every stage of this. I do not wish to go into film production. I do not want to become a studio producer. I needed to put off other things in order to complete this. So where did I falter?

Examining this scenario, I realized the one (big) thing missing: I did not properly delegate.

If you have a lot on your plate, it is probably time to invite someone and share your dish.

Life, work…everything can feel overwhelming sometimes. You have a never-ending to-do list, and there aren’t enough hours in the day for all you need to get done. You feel drained.

Here’s the truth: You can do many things yourself. You have many talents. And, maybe you want to work things out on your own for a variety of reasons. Perhaps it is important for you to save some money. Maybe you’d like to explore new skills because you’re curious. These are all valid reasons to take things on yourself, especially in the short-term with quick turnarounds.

But, when it comes to the longer-term, I take a different view.

When you engage in many tasks, you are spreading your energy and your precious focus and attention on something outside of the scope of your big goal… outside of the scope of your WHY.

I understand, for many of us that feel the need for control over all aspects of our lives/work/business/environment, we may be worried something will go wrong or something will be ruined if we let someone else get their hands in the pot.

But, if we can begin to surrender some of this control, we will begin to realize that there is very little we need to truly manage ourselves in the long-run. Freeing our time a bit allows us to engage in activities that are really meaningful and drive purpose for us.

And, yes. Asking for help can feel scary.

It can seem like you are begging or that you are promoting your inability to do something.

Do not be afraid to ask for help.

Asking for help shows you are strong enough and brave enough to ask. If you are in a leadership role, this is even more powerful. I promise, it will demonstrate your strength.

Check your thinking preferences (ask me about the NBI profile to determine your preferences). If it’s a one time task you can focus on and be done with it: do it. You can do anything.

But, evaluate your longer-term projects and decide what to keep for yourself, and what to delegate.

What might it look like to take the longer view?

● In a corporate environment: You can reconsider your job description or your team members’ job descriptions. If you have the flexibility to allocate the workload differently, bring up the topic to discuss. Invest time in figuring out what people like to do and enable them to do their favorite work. If you have less control, engage with your partners; take advantage of the resources around you. When in doubt, ask. You never know what might be possible.

● If you own your own business: The answer isn’t always jumping to hire a costly professional, though it may feel tempting. You may be able to teach someone how to do what you need. It can be a win-win, as they may be excited for an opportunity to learn the ropes with you. Hiring or partnering with other entrepreneurs can be mutually beneficial. Explore barter options. Get creative!

● In your personal life: Do not be afraid to ask family members and friends to help you. Remember, this is not a sign of weakness, but of strength, and you will be modeling for all of those in your life what strength can look like. This can unite you even more with your loved ones.

My final word: No matter how independent, self-starting (or stubborn!) someone is, I always advise to hire a professional, when reasonable, in these two situations as a non-negotiable: taxes and health & safety.

Take (Small) Action Now

How can you find out what you want to keep on your plate and what you wish to delegate or share with others? Complete the exercise I call “My Perfect, Beautiful Day.” Close your eyes and imagine your best day… what are you doing, what are you NOT doing, and how do you feel?

Now, what’s one thing currently on your plate that didn’t show up in your Perfect, Beautiful Day, and who can you ask for help to get it done?

Enjoyed this post? You may want to explore my series on time management. The latest post is here.

Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash

Breathwork: It’s Safe to Breathe

Breathe! It’s safe to breathe.

We generally take our breath for granted. Breathing is automatic. You don’t need to remember to breathe when you go about your day or when you sleep. The respiratory center at the base of our brain controls our breathing subconsciously.

That said, you can take control of your breathing if you want. For example, you can hold your breath staying under water or train it for speeches or singing. 

But, have you ever noticed how often you hold your breath subconsciously?

In his Psychology Today article, “Waiting to Exhale,” Alan Fogel, PhD. provides us with some insight. “Usually, breath holding occurs under stress or threat. It can also occur when we are anticipating something or wanting something to happen: this is the origin of the phrase, “Don’t hold your breath!” when expected things may not come true.”

When given the choice, most of us would say that we yearn to stay in a state of “relaxed breathing,” however, we likely don’t even not even realize when we switch over to what is called “effortful breathing.” Fogel goes on: “effortful breathing…[is] not healthy because the muscular effort, coupled with the effects of stress on the nervous, hormonal, and immune systems, can impair both physical and psychological function.”

Not all breathing is created equal.

In addition to effortful breathing, I’m going to share another type of breathing with you. Have you ever heard of the term “screen apnea”? Screen apnea is a breath hold or engaging in shallow breathing while you’re looking at the screen. Looking at a screen…this something many of us do for hours a day without even thinking about it!

As shared in this Business Insider article, studies have shown that we can go into a state of “shallow breathing, breath-holding and hyperventilating” when we are in front of our screens. This action triggers “the sympathetic nervous system toward a fight-or-flight state” and our bodies are physically getting ready to take serious action. “Our bodies are tuned to be impulsive and compulsive… we also become tuned to over-consume.”

Said another way: Have you ever been scrolling through Instagram only to look down and notice an entire box of cookies is gone. Who came in and stole these without my realizing it? you may ask yourself, as you wipe the crumbs from your shirt. This is all a result of screen apnea. “In this state… we reach for every available resource, from food to information, as if it’s our last opportunity— pulling out our smartphones again and again to check for e-mail, texts and messages.”

How can we approach breathing with intention? The answer is simple: breathwork.

We now know a bit about what kind of breathing we want to stay away from, but is there a way to remedy this?

The answer is yes. We can move away from effortful breathing and into intentional or controlled breathing. This is breathing that actually helps and supports our bodies and our minds.

As the reading on screen apnea notes, “Deep and regular breathing, also referred to as diaphragmatic breathing, helps to quiet the sympathetic nervous system.” The next time you pick up your phone to check email or send a text, see if you can get in tune with your body. Notice how you feel physically. Approach your breath with intention. But, this isn’t just about being mindful of our time on our screens. This is about intentional breathing in all situations.

While various breathing practices have been known for centuries, studies are merely beginning to reveal the benefits of controlled breath, also known as breathwork. It has been found that breathing practices can help reduce stress, burnout, anxiety, hormonal imbalances, sleep issues, depression, and other disorders. It can improve circulation and blood pressure and even increase anti-inflammatory activity.

Who can benefit from breathwork?

You may think that breathwork is for individuals who are intensely struggling or suffering. You are right; breathwork is very supportive for stress, tension, overwhelm, fear, anxiety, burnout, and more. But breathwork is also beneficial for people who are stepping up to the next level in self-compassion, gratitude, clarity, consciousness, and connection.

I was personally introduced to breathwork one year ago and fell in love immediately. Breathwork became a life-changing experience for me. Now, I run free-of-charge breath clubs in two languages – English and Russian – offering one-on-one sessions, sessions for small groups, and intensive programs. As a result, we’re building strong conscious and connected communities of people who are transforming themselves and their lives.

Curious to try?

Join me at my Breath Club “Conscious and Connected” each month for breath sessions. These sessions are free and open for all whether this is your 1st or 50th breathwork session. We start with a meditation and continue with a conscious, connected breath technique.

New to breathwork? Don’t be intimidated with the novelty of this experience. I will stay with you at every step of your practice.

When you need additional support, close your eyes and imagine yourself in the center of the circle with us holding each other’s hands and sending you our love and support.

Do you feel stronger now?

P.S. I’m adding this update on July 27th, 2022. I’m not facilitating breath sessions now, but I breathe each Sunday with Alchemy of Breath – they offer free sessions to anyone who is interested. Check their sessions here.

Don’t Try to Tame Time, Tame Yourself

Note: This blog is part of a series of posts about time management. Check out my first post here.

Time… My best friend and my worst enemy.

Do you feel like me? Do you feel that there is never enough time? We spend it, plan it, waste it, optimize it and still want more of it.

Here’s the reality…

We cannot manage time.

Coming from a time management blog series, this may seem like a surprising position for me to take, but let me reframe to explain what I mean.

When it comes to “time management,” I believe the only thing we can manage is the focus of our attention and the work and tasks we’re doing. We need to create a system to follow. We need to master the system to make it efficient.

As I work with leaders to increase their personal and professional effectiveness, I’m actively searching for ways to create more time without being stressed and overwhelmed. All of my clients note that, as a time management expert, I have quite a peculiar approach to the whole idea.

What does time management really mean? To stop time, to slow down, to speed up, to cancel? I haven’t learned how to do any of this yet. So, I don’t try to do any magic in this area; my magic is in shifting the focus into a different direction.

Fun fact: When a client complains to me about time issues and poor ability to manage time, my first question is “Tell me about your breakfast and sleep”. I learned this from Jordan Peterson, a Canadian clinical psychologist. (Check out this short video about breakfast).

You will make better decisions when you feel good, not when you are under stress or hijacked with anxiety.

Additionally, sleep is the most accessible free drug that will make your life longer, and help you to improve your memory, health, and mood. It will make you happier, less depressed, and less anxious. I love the book Why We Sleep? by Matthew Walker, PhD where he provides scientific proof for all the benefits of sleep in a very digestible and comprehensive manner. I highly recommend this book. It will literally change your life; it has changed mine.

My second question is about the system(s) that you use to get things done.

The most popular answer is a to-do list. Great. (Using a to-do list is something that we will explore more in future blog posts).

Some follow up questions: How many items are on your to-do list? What is the nature of the items on your to-do list? Are these actions or ideas?

Why does it matter? The ideas will keep you overwhelmed; actions will move you forward.

If you move through your to-do list slowly and often don’t feel motivated to take action, it’s probably time to ask yourself why you have to take this action. Where is the place for this item in your big picture? When you know why you “need” to do things, the motivation required will naturally be there. Normally, we don’t want to do things that we don’t see as necessary for completing the big picture.

So, I invite you to try this very simple system:

● Have a healthy breakfast each morning

● Create a healthy, consistent sleep routine

● Ask yourself each time you will put a new item on your to-do list why you are adding it and where is the place for the item on your big picture map

● Make sure that you have actions – not ideas – on your to-do list

● Try to focus on how to remove things from your list rather than add new ones

● Count hours required for each action on your list to make sure that your plans are ambitious but still realistic

● Look at managing your tasks as a fun game. Create rules that will work for you. You are the owner of your system and you can adjust it to your unique needs.

 

Are you interested in learning more about “time management” tools and techniques?

Do you want answers to questions such as: What is a good use of time? What can we do to reduce time pressure? How can I avoid feeling that I am constantly pushed to do what I don’t want to do? How can I stop perceiving time as an enemy? How can an effective system of managing your tasks improve my well-being?

Stay with me. Let’s continue this path of exploration of the idea of shifting our perception of time.

If you’re interested to learn more, you can watch my videos from Time/Task Management Series:

Photo by Olga Prudka

A Coaching Case Study: Self-Advocacy

Me: So, what encouraged you to start coaching?

Meg: I’m actually not sure. My boss sent me here.

Me: Why do you think he did?

Meg: He said something like “the time has come for you to become a manager.” But, I don’t think he’s serious.

Me: What makes you think that he’s not serious?

Meg: Well, a bunch of things. I’m not young, I’m a black woman, a single mom, an immigrant…

Me: Anything else?

Meg: There is no vacant manager position for me. The position that I would consider as a promotion is occupied…although I do a lot of the responsibilities of this role when the manager is off, and my boss asks me to help…It seems impossible.

It was the start of 2020, a tough year for everyone, and I was offering pro-bono hours for high-potential employees with the organization I was working with who were not originally part of my formal coaching agreement.

My conversation with Meg happened during one such coaching session, and it was clear from this initial meeting that, though Meg wanted to progress in her career, she felt stuck. It seemed nearly “impossible” for her to move on to her next opportunity.

What were some of the areas that were holding her back?

First, Meg had trouble seeing the possibility of a promotion or new role, as she saw no clear career path within her organization. She acknowledged that because of differences in their identities (she is a Black woman, immigrant and the majority of the organization’s leadership is white, American men), she didn’t believe, deep down, that her boss was serious that she could be a contender for a role.

Additionally, she thought it might be too late for her, given her age and tenure in the workforce and, as she continued to point out, there was only one clear path for her to move up and someone was already in that role.

As we dug deeper and deeper, at the core of it – due to all of these factors and more – was Meg’s fear of articulating her desire to be promoted.

Because the situation felt impossible, speaking up felt pointless.

What changed?

In a word: Meg.

Together, we began the process of awakening her awareness about her strengths and her narrative about the situation and herself. She began to look at herself differently and opened herself up for opportunities.

We peeled back the layers; she was not used to speaking about herself, her interests, and what she wanted. As we continued to meet, she became ready to act, but realized she needed tough conversations. It was somewhat of a painful process for her, so we talked through how to schedule and conduct this conversation; we practiced how it might go.

Instead of focusing on the fact that the role was already held by someone else, she focused on her own leadership potential, outside of any one specific job. She invited a supporter and an accountability partner into her life and she began to prepare.

Then, Meg took a critical step that so many people feeling “stuck” never take.

She advocated for herself.

She had the conversation. A very straightforward conversation. She was clear about her expectations, her needs and her goals.

The end of this story? Ultimately, Meg did not get the position.

In fact, they actually created another position just for her.

That’s right. She never dreamed that she would get promoted because someone else was in the next role and ultimately she was right; but then she took action and opened the door for this brand new opportunity.

It had once seemed impossible and it all happened because Meg chose to leverage sounding her boards, create the possibility, and prepare for and face tough conversations. She opened the door and walked through.

And in the process, Meg learned that even the (seemingly) impossible can be possible.

*A caveat – Not every self-advocacy story ends exactly like Meg’s, but, through articulating your goals and developing proficiency around speaking to your aspirations, you will increase your ability to have open and transparent conversations about the seemingly impossible.

Photo by Lagos Techie on Unsplash

Demystifying Executive Coaching

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In a recent conversation with an acquaintance of mine, I mentioned that I work with leaders at different levels of seniority and help the leaders who I work with to grow highly promotable and sought after. Sometimes they feel overwhelmed, are swamped by routine or experience a lack of confidence, I shared. I help them through whatever they are experiencing to meet their goals.

Needless to say, her reply absolutely shocked me:

“This immediately suggests to me that these leaders have no leadership if they need any help,” she said.

Before I had a chance to pick my jaw up from the floor, she went on: “A leader is a person who leads and a lack of confidence is a quality in those who need to be led, as far as I’m concerned.”

This exchange encouraged me to reflect on some of the myths and misconceptions around coaching. Specifically: Who is coaching for? What are the benefits of coaching?

Who is coaching for?

I do sometimes encounter the perception out there that coaching is for individuals who “need help” or are struggling as leaders. I have heard leaders say they do not need a coach because they are already a strong and effective leader. But, is coaching still impactful for strong and effective leaders? I argue that it is. I was immediately drawn to thinking about sports, and stumbled upon this article by Alan Bronowicz, which states:

“Coaches can help us see possibilities where we can’t, and they can stay focused on the goal while we stay focused on preparing and executing to meet the goal. They act as the lighthouse which is stationary and secure and provides a beacon to direct us when we lose focus.”

As you think about this analogy, you will remember that even the best athletes and accomplished stars still have their coaches. Not because their coaches are better than them on a particular aspect of the game or teach them loads of new skills; it’s more for the reality check, guidance, accountability and tracking progress.

To this end, one leader who I’ve been coaching for the last 3 years said, “I like the idea of working with the same coach through the years… I can fool myself, but I cannot fool my coach because you’ll remember all our conversations and make it impossible!”

Acting as that lighthouse, your coach will be focused on bringing you back to your goals, your vision and guiding your journey.

What are the benefits of coaching?

Each coaching experience should be unique, because it is tailored to your development goals and your vision for your future. Coaching can be beneficial to those in transition from one organization or role to another, but it also provides each individual – no matter where you are in your career – an opportunity to gain a deep awareness of your behavior, actions, effectiveness and performance. A solid coaching experience allows you to lead with greater influence and impact. Your coach is a partner to you throughout your transformation. Coaching helps you move through the noise and focus on what truly matters.

Ultimately, a coach may be the only person in your life who has no conflict of interest with you. As a coach, your success is my success. The people around you have their own agenda, which is natural. Even in the most positive circumstances, they act from their understanding of your best interest, while your coach focuses on the best interests that you define for yourself.

Take a moment to pause and reflect: Have you had a coach in the past? How did this experience change your perception of the coaching experience?

Finally, if you’re considering a coaching engagement, check out my Six Tips: How to Choose the Right Coach for You.

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

FEAR: Choosing to Face Everything and Rise

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love

I’d like to begin to talk about fear. I hear this word in approximately 80% of my coaching sessions. It is at the crux of many challenges when it comes to our growth and progress. There is so much to unpack, decipher and manage when it comes to fear that I know this will just be the start of many conversations around this topic.

Today, I want to dig into this aspect of fear: We all have a choice when it comes to fear.

We can experience False Emotions Appearing Real or Face Everything and Rise.

The choice is up to you.

Before we jump too far ahead to some of the ways we can respond to our fear, let’s address some questions around fear, starting with a common definition.

What is fear?

Karl Albrecht, an author and management consultant, defines fear as “an anxious feeling, caused by our anticipation of an imagined event or experience.” Albrecht posits that every single fear we have can be tied back to one of five core fears. These are:

  1. Extinction – the idea you will cease to exist;
  2. Mutilation – this is rooted in our body’s boundaries;
  3. Loss of autonomy–being held beyond our control;
  4. Separation–experiencing disconnection;
  5. Ego-death- most commonly manifested as humiliation, embarrassment or shame.

Ego-death/humiliation fear is the most common type of fear that I see in my practice.

How does fear show up?

When fear shows up, it very often manifests itself physically. Last week, I was in a session with one of my clients. A big organizational change was underway and this client needed to deliver the news. Together, we were walking through their change management plan and designing a meeting for employees to raise awareness of this change and create space for open dialogue with them. As we dug deeper together, I could sense a bit of resistance on the part of my client. I asked:

– What do you think is interfering with your desire to run this meeting? – I’m afraid that they won’t listen to me and say something like “You’re not my boss.” I’m afraid that they will say “I don’t want to do things this way, we have always done things differently.” I’m afraid that they will talk behind my back, that they will think that I’m incompetent, that they won’t follow me… – What do you feel? – I feel fear. – Where in your body do you feel it? – In my stomach.

Why should we release fear?

At this point, some skeptics out there may express their cynicism: Is being afraid really all that bad? Here are just a few reasons why releasing fear will help us step into our higher purpose:

  • Fear constricts everything, especially thinking
  • Leaders driven by fear pay a high energetic cost: working hard without creating what they want
  • Leaders driven by fear habitually seek safety over purpose

Additionally, according to experts, fear and trauma can weaken the immune system, which can lead to severe physical ailments. Living in a state of constant or frequent fear may also have a negative impact on our mental health, bringing about depression and heightened anxiety, among many other symptoms.

While we cannot control a feeling of fear, we can work to let the feeling go when it arrives.

So, what can I do?

We have identified that fear is real, it is common and there are several negative potential ramifications to not releasing our fear. When fear shows up, here are some things you can do to transform your F.E.A.R. into a “Face Everything and Rise” experience:

  • Allow an appropriate emotional release to restore thinking. Crying can make you smarter. After laughter, thinking improves.
  • Ask yourself: Why am I so afraid? What evidence do I have that my fear is valid?
  • If you’re new to this idea, don’t fight your fear alone. Do this in partnership with your coach, therapist, or another person you trust.
  • Finally, all fear is of future events. If you are established in the “now moment,” you cannot be afraid. So, ask yourself: Where am I now? Look around you. Is your space safe? Take a deep breath in and out.

Smile. You’re not alone. We all are fighting our fears. And by making a choice, we’ll finally win.

So, what do you choose? False Emotions Appearing Real or Face Everything and Rise?

And remember, there is always a choice.

Photo by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash