Practical wisdom for senior leaders navigating complexity. These posts explore the skills, mindsets, and practices that help executives lead with clarity, build trust, and create environments where people thrive.

Flexing the Listening Muscle: The Crucial Role of Engaged Listening in Leadership

In the dynamic realm of leadership, where decisions and directives shape organizational futures, the ability to listen—truly listen—is a skill that sets exceptional leaders apart. Engaged listening is more than just hearing or repeating words; it’s an active, conscious effort to understand and empathize. This nuanced form of listening is an invaluable asset, fostering trust, collaboration, and innovation. In a world where the pace of change is relentless, flexing the listening muscle is never obsolete.

The Benefits of Engaged Listening in Leadership

Engaged listening offers profound benefits to leaders and their teams. By fostering an environment where every voice is valued, leaders can cultivate a culture of trust and mutual respect. Neuroscientific research underscores the importance of this skill. Studies indicate that active listening engages multiple areas of the brain, enhancing emotional regulation and empathy. When leaders listen attentively, they activate the brain’s mirror neuron system, which helps in understanding others’ emotions and intentions, creating stronger interpersonal connections.

Engaged listening also enhances decision-making. By thoroughly understanding diverse perspectives, leaders can make more informed, balanced decisions. This inclusivity leads to higher employee engagement and retention, as team members feel valued and heard. Furthermore, engaged listening mitigates conflicts, as it promotes open communication and understanding, reducing misunderstandings and fostering a collaborative atmosphere.

Strategies for Improvement

  1. Cultivate Focus: Eliminate distractions during conversations. This means silencing electronic devices and maintaining eye contact. Show genuine interest through body language, nodding, and verbal affirmations.
  2. Develop Self-Awareness: Recognize your biases and preconceptions. Approach conversations with an open mind, ready to understand rather than judge. This self-awareness can prevent premature conclusions and foster more meaningful interactions.
  3. Foster Curiosity: Ask open-ended questions that encourage deeper dialogue. Show genuine curiosity about others’ viewpoints. This not only demonstrates respect but also uncovers valuable insights that might otherwise be missed.
  4. Practice Reflective Listening: Paraphrase and summarize what the other person has said. This confirms your understanding and shows the speaker that you are fully engaged. Reflective listening can also clarify points and ensure mutual understanding.
  5. Empower Others: Create a safe space for team members to express their thoughts without fear of interruption or judgment. Encourage quieter team members to share their ideas, fostering a more inclusive environment.

Real-World Examples

Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft: When Satya Nadella became CEO, he emphasized a culture of empathy and listening. His approach transformed Microsoft’s internal culture, promoting collaboration and innovation. Nadella’s engaged listening style has been credited with breaking down silos within the company, leading to a more cohesive and innovative organization.

Mary Barra, CEO of General Motors: Mary Barra is renowned for her leadership style that emphasizes listening and collaboration. When she became CEO, she faced the monumental task of addressing GM’s ignition switch crisis. Instead of dictating solutions, Barra listened to her team, encouraging open communication and transparency. She held town hall meetings and one-on-one sessions to understand employees’ perspectives and concerns. This approach not only helped resolve the crisis but also fostered a culture of trust and accountability within the company. Barra’s commitment to engaged listening has been instrumental in driving GM’s innovation and cultural transformation, making her a respected leader in the automotive industry.

How to Practice Engaged Listening Daily

  1. Schedule “Listening Hours”: Dedicate specific times for one-on-one meetings where you solely focus on listening to team members’ concerns and ideas.
  2. Start Meetings with a Listening Exercise: Begin meetings by inviting team members to share their thoughts on the agenda topics without interruption. This sets a tone of mutual respect and openness.
  3. Implement “Listen-First” Policies: Encourage a culture where listening precedes any decision-making. This ensures all voices are heard and considered.
  4. Start a conversation with the question: “How can I help?” then listen to understand how you can be helpful.

Resources

Articles:

Books:

  1. “Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone” by Mark Goulston This book offers practical advice on how to listen effectively and communicate with impact, crucial for leaders looking to improve their interpersonal skills in a high-stakes environment.
  2. “Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust & Get Extraordinary Results” by Judith E. Glaser This book explores how to harness the power of conversation to build trust and foster a collaborative atmosphere, essential for leaders aiming to create a more inclusive and open communication culture.
  3. “The Trusted Advisor” by David H. Maister, Charles H. Green, and Robert M. Galford Focusing on building trust through effective listening and communication, this book is a valuable resource for leaders who want to strengthen relationships and enhance their influence.
  4. “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler This book provides strategies for navigating difficult conversations with confidence and skill, helping leaders to manage high-stakes interactions more effectively.

A Note from the Author

Engaged listening is not a passive activity but an active, intentional practice that can transform leadership effectiveness. By developing this skill, you can foster a more collaborative, innovative, and empathetic organizational culture. In your day-to-day interactions, this means making a conscious effort to be present, understand, and respond thoughtfully. As a leader, practicing engaged listening not only enhances individual relationships but also strengthens the fabric of your entire organization.

I invite you to share your thoughts, ask questions, or provide your perspective on the importance of engaged listening in leadership. Your insights can enrich the conversation and help others learn from your experiences. If you found this article helpful, consider sharing it with colleagues or friends who could benefit from understanding the power of engaged listening. Let’s continue to build a community where every voice is valued and every leader is an exceptional listener.

Warmly, Maria Wade

The Power of Effective Feedback: Using the SBI Approach

Feedback is a powerful tool for growth, yet it’s often approached with hesitation and uncertainty. This month, I’d like to delve into the intricacies of feedback, shedding light on its dual nature – both giving and receiving. But first, let me share a conversation that highlights the challenges many leaders face:

Coach: What accountability system do you use with your team?

Leader: Honestly, I'm not sure it's an effective one. 
I hate yelling at people.

This response isn’t unusual. Many leaders grapple with the challenge of seeking accountability and delivering feedback. Feedback has long been associated with confrontation, and the mere idea of it makes most people uneasy. Today, let’s tackle this misconception head-on and delve deeper into the art and science of feedback.

Feedback: A Conversation, Not a Confrontation

It’s a shared belief: every time we offer feedback, we risk jeopardizing our relationships. But should feedback always be linked to potential conflict? My perspective is no. It’s essential to distinguish between performance-centric discussions and conversations that might harm relationships. Feedback, when done correctly, can be a constructive tool, nurturing growth and promoting understanding.

Enter the SBI Feedback Method

The Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) approach to feedback has been a game-changer for many, including myself. Why? Because it structures feedback in a way that is clear, factual, and devoid of emotional baggage.

  • Situation: Specifies when and where a particular behavior occurred.
  • Behavior: Describes the observable action in question.
  • Impact: Explains how the behavior had a real or potential effect, be it on individuals, team dynamics, or even broader business results.

By adhering to this method, we steer clear of assumptions, avoid casting aspersions on intentions, and refrain from speculating about motivations. Instead, the focus remains solely on observable behaviors and their outcomes.

Receiving Feedback through the SBI Lens

While the SBI approach is invaluable when giving feedback, it’s equally transformative when on the receiving end. Let’s explore this through a real-life dialogue:

Coach: What continues to be an area of development in interpersonal 
communication for Mike?

Manager: Mike's communication has improved significantly during the 
last few months. However, he can still come off as abrasive, 
especially when he's convinced he's right.

Coach: Can you recall the most recent occasion when you observed 
this type of communication?

Manager: It's hard to pinpoint. Perhaps a few months ago...

Coach: Are we considering behavior from a period outside our 
current focus?

Manager: Yes, probably...

This interaction underscores a common challenge: feedback that lacks specificity. In such cases, it’s crucial to seek clarity. Facts anchor feedback, making it actionable and relevant. Without clear context (Event, Place, Behavior), and understanding the Real or Potential Impact, feedback can become a vague cloud of assumptions.

Feedback, whether giving or receiving, need not be a dreaded process. By employing the SBI approach and rooting our observations in facts, we can make feedback an enriching experience, fostering growth and fostering genuine understanding.

For those keen on delving deeper, numerous studies and research pieces elaborate on the science and effectiveness behind the SBI method. But for now, let this serve as an introduction to a tool that might just redefine your approach to feedback.

Stay tuned for more insights and strategies to navigate the intricate realm of leadership and personal growth. Feedback is an art, and like all arts, it requires practice, understanding, and the right tools.

Owning Your Expertise: The Power of Balanced Leadership

I’ll never forget the day I walked into my first class at Columbia University’s executive coaching program. The room was full of accomplished professionals—people with decades of experience, impressive credentials, and the kind of presence that fills a space before they even speak.

And me? I felt small.

Not because I lacked experience. I’d spent years leading teams, navigating complex organizational dynamics, and coaching leaders through high-stakes transitions. But in that moment, surrounded by people whose expertise seemed so… established, I found myself shrinking. Apologizing for my perspective before I even shared it. Hedging my insights with phrases like “I might be wrong, but…” or “This is just my experience…”

It took a peer pulling me aside after class to name what I couldn’t see: “Maria, you keep apologizing for knowing what you know. Stop it.”

She was right. I wasn’t owning my expertise. I was performing a version of humility that looked like self-awareness but was actually self-doubt wearing a professional mask.

That moment at Columbia was a turning point. It forced me to confront a pattern I now see in many senior leaders I coach: the cost of not owning your expertise.

Many senior leaders quietly struggle with the same question: How do you own your expertise with confidence without losing humility, curiosity, and connection? Balanced leadership is not about choosing between confidence and humility; it is about integrating both so your executive presence is grounded, credible, and deeply human.​

In the Leadership Integrity Framework, this tension sits at the intersection of Purpose (your inner compass), Presence (how you show up), and Partnership (how others experience you). When leaders over‑correct toward humility, they often unintentionally weaken all three.

When Humility Silences Your Expert Voice

There was a season in my own leadership journey when I became deeply inspired by adult development theory, particularly Robert Kegan’s description of the self‑transforming mind—the capacity to hold multiple perspectives and integrate contradictions. Motivated by intellectual humility, I swung my pendulum decisively away from anything that felt like arrogance.​

It worked—until it didn’t. Feedback from that period described me as “indecisive,” “aloof,” and “hard to read.” In my effort to avoid imposing my perspective, I had effectively abandoned my expert voice. Coaching conversations became open‑ended explorations with endless options but very little direction, and my clients felt the cost of that under‑leadership.​

One coaching engagement with a senior leader in financial services brought this into sharp focus. He valued humility, listening, and empowering his team. Yet his people experienced him as hesitant and over‑cautious. His desire not to dominate the conversation resulted in meetings where no one was quite sure what he actually thought. He was admired as a human being, but his leadership was creating confusion and decision paralysis.​

This is the quiet risk of extreme humility in executive roles: when you over‑rotate into deference, your presence starts to disappear.

The Pitfalls of Over‑Corrected Humility

From an executive presence standpoint, humility becomes problematic when it consistently produces:

  • Chronic indecision and delayed calls, even when you have enough information to act
  • Over‑analysis and perfectionism that stall momentum
  • Vague or overly qualified recommendations that confuse stakeholders
  • Teams that feel under‑led, uncertain, or reluctant to move without your explicit direction​

Neuroscience offers one explanation. When leaders constantly scan for others’ opinions and avoid owning their own, they over‑activate monitoring and threat‑detection circuits instead of creative problem‑solving networks. The result is mental fatigue, slower decisions, and a persistent sense of “I should know, but I don’t want to sound too certain.”​

The paradox is this: the very humility that once made you a thoughtful, collaborative leader can, when taken to an extreme, erode trust in your judgment.

Why Owning Your Expertise Matters for Executive Presence

Owning your expertise is not self‑promotion; it is a leadership responsibility. In senior roles, people look to you for:

  • Clear point‑of‑view: “Given everything we’ve heard, what do you recommend?”
  • Grounded confidence under pressure
  • Visible alignment between your words, decisions, and values (your leadership integrity)​

When you claim your expertise with intention:

  • You broadcast credibility. Teams and stakeholders relax when they sense someone is willing to stand behind a thoughtful, well‑grounded perspective.​
  • You strengthen your leadership brand. Over time, people recognize the signature of your judgment and know what kind of decisions to expect from you.​
  • You model mature confidence—confidence that is rooted not in ego, but in experience, discernment, and a willingness to be accountable for your calls.​

This is Presence in the Leadership Integrity Framework: the observable behaviors through which your inner Purpose becomes visible to others. Owning your expertise is one of the most tangible expressions of that presence.

Balanced Leadership: Integrating Humility and Expertise

Balanced leadership is not a 50/50 compromise between humility and confidence. It is the capacity to move fluidly between:

  • Listening and leading: taking in multiple perspectives, then synthesizing them into a clear direction
  • Questioning and deciding: staying genuinely curious until the decision point, then making a call and owning it
  • Learning and guiding: remaining open to being wrong while still offering your expertise as a resource, not a weapon​

In the context of the Leadership Integrity Framework, this balance draws on three dimensions:​

  • Purpose: being clear about your values and philosophy so you know why you hold a particular view.
  • Presence: communicating that view in a way that is confident, calm, and consistent.
  • Partnership: inviting others into the thinking process so they feel respected, not overruled.

From a vertical development perspective, this is a move from either/or thinking (“Either I’m humble or I’m confident”) to both/and capacity (“I can be deeply humble and own my expertise in service of the system”).​

Practical Ways to Own Your Expertise Without Losing Humility

To make this balance real in daily leadership, you can experiment with a few simple practices:

  • Name your stance out loud: After listening to your team, say, “Here’s how I’m currently seeing this, and why,” then invite critique. This signals both clarity and openness.
  • Turn questions into POV plus curiosity: Instead of only asking, “What do you all think?”, add, “My current view is X because Y; what am I missing?”
  • Set decision thresholds: For recurring issues, define in advance what “enough information” looks like so you don’t keep deferring decisions under the banner of humility.
  • Use your expertise as a scaffold, not a script: Offer frameworks, patterns, and risks you see, then ask others to build on them rather than trying to replace them.​

These habits reinforce a form of executive presence that is neither domineering nor diffuse. You remain deeply teachable, but you no longer hide behind questions when what your context needs is a view.

Owning Your Expertise Responsibly

Responsible expertise is always in service of something larger than personal validation. It is anchored in Purpose, expressed through Presence, and experienced through Partnership.​

That means:

  • You use your voice to clarify, not to close down.
  • You share your experience to grow others, not to prove you are right.
  • You remain willing to update your perspective as new information emerges, without apologizing for what you already know.​

If you recognize yourself in this tension—high humility, strong competence, and a nagging sense that you might be under‑using your own expertise—this is often a sign that your next development edge lies in Presence and Partnership, not more technical skill.​

A useful starting question is:
Where am I consistently softening or silencing my expert voice, and what is that costing my team, my organization, and my own integrity as a leader?​

Owning your expertise is not a destination; it is an ongoing practice of integration—bringing who you are, what you know, and how you lead into alignment. When you do, your leadership stops feeling like a performance and starts feeling like a coherent expression of your best judgment in service of something that truly matters.

Redefining Leadership Success: Building a Personal Brand that Matters

Hello, emerging luminaries and seasoned leaders alike! Today, we’re redefining success in leadership by unveiling an essential element often overlooked in the climb to the top: Your Personal Leadership Brand.

You might assume that crafting a leadership brand is an exercise best suited to the early stages of a career. However, the reality can be quite different. As an emerging leader, you’re often engrossed in scaling the heights of your career ladder, with little time to pause and ponder the significance of your leadership image and the perception you’re building among peers and subordinates. And as you ascend to senior executive or C-suite positions, the need for a well-defined, impactful leadership brand becomes even more pressing.

Your Leadership Brand is not just a catchy phrase or a superficial label. It’s an embodiment of your uniqueness as a leader, the distinctive value you provide, and the promise you make to your audience, whether that’s your team, your organization, or the wider industry. It has the power to transform your leadership trajectory and create a profound impact that resonates far beyond your immediate role.

In this post, I’ll walk you through simple yet powerful exercises designed to help you articulate and shape a leadership brand that truly matters – one that reflects your unique leadership journey and amplifies your influence. It’s a brand that not only communicates who you are as a leader but also the leader you aspire to be.

Finding Your Unique Leadership Value

Embarking on the path to personal brand creation is a journey inward. It’s about understanding who you are as a leader and the unique value you bring to the table. Start with these guiding questions:

  • Who are my key stakeholders and what are their expectations?
  • What unique value do I offer as a leader?
  • What kind of impact do I aspire to make with my leadership?
  • What do I want to be known for?
  • What traits should a leader in my current or desired role exhibit?
  • How do I describe my leadership identity?

Also pose these questions to your stakeholders and welcome their feedback. Their perspectives often reveal aspects of your leadership that you might not see yourself. This journey of self-discovery equips you to create your Leadership Brand Statement:

“I want to be known for being __________ so that I can ________.”

Although simple, this statement is transformative. It guides you towards consistent, authentic leadership that resonates with those around you.

Understanding Your Leadership Brand: Internal and External Perspectives

Your leadership brand has two equally important dimensions: an internal and an external one.

The internal brand is nurtured within your organization and is closely tied to your company’s values and the relationships you nurture within it. It’s expressed through your actions, your decision-making style, problem-solving approach, and the way you inspire and support your team.

The external brand is your image in the broader professional world, including clients, potential employers, or industry peers. It’s about maintaining authenticity while tailoring your image to resonate with different audiences. This often involves online interactions, public speaking, thought leadership articles, or networking events.

Navigating the Challenges

As with any personal and professional endeavor, you’ll face challenges in building your leadership brand. Here are some common ones, along with strategies to overcome them:

  • Inconsistency between perceived and desired brand: There might be a gap between how you perceive your brand and how others do. Regular feedback and self-reflection can help bridge this gap.
  • Difficulty maintaining authenticity: Don’t try to construct a brand that doesn’t align with your true self. Authenticity is crucial in leadership; people trust leaders who are genuine.
  • Resistance to change: You might face resistance, especially if your brand challenges the status quo. Stay resilient, uphold your values, and lead by example.

A Continuous Journey: Your Evolving Leadership Brand

Remember, your leadership brand isn’t static; it evolves with you. Recognizing when and how to adapt your brand is a crucial leadership skill. But how do you identify the need for change? How can you implement these changes effectively?

Embrace the challenges this journey will inevitably bring. You might need to reassess your self-image, take risks, or step outside your comfort zone. But remember, every experience, every stumble, and every victory shapes your evolution as a successful leader.

So, dear leaders, it’s time to redefine your leadership success by crafting your leadership brand. Reflect, interact, learn, grow, and most importantly, enjoy the process (Download a one-page Guide to Building a Personal Leadership Brand).

Your brand is a testament to your unique leadership journey, let it shine authentically!

These questions pave the way for deeper discussions and insights. As a leadership coach, I’m here to facilitate these conversations. Let’s dive into these topics together, explore your unique leadership journey, and work on a brand that truly matters. Contact me for a one-on-one discussion where we can unpack your leadership evolution and build a brand that resonates with your continuous growth.

Leave your comments, ask questions!

Signing off now, wishing you transformative experiences on your journey to a resonant leadership brand.

Postpone Your Funeral. Get Your Prize

One of my clients uses the practices in Stephen R. Covey’s book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” as an additional assignment that she defined for herself. I’m happy to support her on this undertaking because I still remember the impact of this book on my life and the lives of many people I’ve been working with throughout the last six years. Needless to say that I deeply respect Stephen Covey and see his work as brilliant, and his humble personality as extremely admirable.

My client (let’s call her Linda) came to one of our sessions with a speech she penned that people “made” at her funeral. If you’re not familiar with Covey’s book, in it he suggested beginning every day with the image of the end of your life, the point at which you examine and evaluate your life experience. The idea is to measure each day in terms of what really matters most to you. It means that you start with a clear understanding of what you want to accomplish; what is your “end in mind”.

Covey promised that if you figure out what you want to be said at your own funeral, “you will find your definition of success”. So, Covey offered an exercise in which you can imagine your own funeral three years from now and what your loved ones, friends, and colleagues will say about you and your role in their lives.

I recall did this exercise when I read the book. But, since then, I’ve never come back to that experience. Interestingly, I’d loved the idea of the exercise…

Until that session with Linda.

Linda is a leader who cares a lot about her team members’ performance, feelings, and wellbeing. She invests a lot of time and energy into the development of her team and each team member as an individual. She gets tremendously upset if any of the team members perform poorly or expresses dissatisfaction or a lack of motivation. She sees these occurrences as her personal failures.

Linda had an insight into a probable reason for considering herself as a failure in spite of all her accomplishments. She noticed that — similar to many people — she measured her success as a leader and a person against other people’s satisfaction or approval of her work and actions. We decided that this hypothesis was worth exploration.

Referring to Covey’s idea of imagining words that could be shared at Linda’s funeral was an attempt to find her own definition of success; Linda, excited to explore this idea of what would be said upon her departure, prepared the speech for her own funeral by our next session.

The speech, it must be said, was beautiful. In it, people said that Linda added value, did a lot for other people, sacrificed her own interests to make others happy and content with their lives and work experiences.She was a pleasure to deal with, and she impacted their lives and inspired them to change. At some point I realized that I had already heard this speech before, though, and that Linda had fallen back into her old habit of evaluating herself by other people’s experiences.

The very exercise intended to provide greater insight into Linda’s perception of herself had, by its very nature, created the same exact narrative: Linda through the eyes of others.

The format of the funeral speech definitely didn’t work for her. I wanted to hear her own voice, but dead people normally have no voice at all. We needed something else… But what? Inauguration? Oscar Ceremony? Nobel Prize? Prize!

That day, we established a prize for the Unstoppable Search for Meaning.

The results of this exercise proved that this format worked better for the purpose of finding a definition of success:

  1. You speak for yourself
  2. You evaluate yourself in accordance with your own value system, against your own standards
  3. Even at that point when you deliver your speech, your “end in mind”, it’s not the end. Nothing is too late. You still have a chance for change.

For our next session, Linda came with her old values, but what was new was how she measured her success.

Linda started: I’m a good leader if:

● I make sure that each member of my team is heard and encouraged to express their opinion in way that works best for the member;

● I guarantee psychological safety and inclusion for everyone on my team;

● I’m honest, and honesty is a desirable and valuable asset for me and my team;

● I invite my people to express disagreement because again it’s safe to do;

● I communicate clearly and have evidence that the members understand me.

“Now, I feel good,” finished Linda.

This is just a part of Linda’s measurement system. And I found it beautiful because Linda sees it this way, because Linda is shining.

What is the lesson learned for me? Don’t rush yourself to your own funeral. You may already be caught up in the perception of others. First, stop to get your prize for Unstoppable Search for Meaning.

As always, I invite you to comment and share your opinion and thoughts, as I appreciate your perspective. Though, with all respect to you, my dear reader, like Linda, I will go back to my values and measure the quality of this writing in a different way; not by the reactions or perceptions of others, but rather, by my level of honesty, writing about things and ideas I am passionate about, and through sharing something that makes my life, and perhaps the lives of others, a little easier and lighter.

Photo by Peony Beatrice on Unsplash

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Is Certainty Always a Good Thing?

My mission is to help people thrive through complexity and uncertainty. I’ve been thinking about this concept lately. The opposite of uncertainty is obvious: certainty.

But, is certainty always a good thing?

There are so many factors that lead to our sense of certainty and, we can all agree, that if nothing else, the last 2 years of a global pandemic have thrown our ability to declare anything as a “safe bet” out of the window.

So here’s the nuance. While I can’t provide certainty, what I can provide is getting you more comfortable with the unknown.

It might surprise you, but I don’t want you to become certain. I want to encourage you to stay open-minded instead. Why? Because we just never know. We never know what is truly good or bad for us. We never know what is just around the corner. We can collect information and examine many sources, but I know, for me, that the moment I am certain, I stop.

I freeze in this certainty.

I could promise you that getting more and more certain would improve your decision making process. After all, a sense of certainty calms you down. You’re certain. You’re relaxed. You’re calm.

But the key words here are “a sense of…”

Certainty can look so real. You can fool your brain and rationalize everything. By trying to create certainty, we establish our assumption as something true. This is why I believe that certainty eventually makes you a prisoner of your own illusions.

This is why I cannot help people get to certainty.

What Kind of Circus Performer Are You?

This is like working in the circus.

Just hear me out on this.

You are juggling with one ball and you believe you are so good, flawless, great, no mistakes. You can do this endlessly (in fact, you’re CERTAIN you can) but it’s so… Well, it is just so boring.

And, you look at the performer who can do this with 10, 20, 30 balls.

Who are you? This is your choice. Whether you want to juggle with 1 ball and enjoy and be proud OR do you want to reach some mastery in accepting many things. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re not the complacent type. You want to improve and strive and develop.

You want to try for another.

Guess what? The minute you get certain is the minute someone comes and throws a second ball into the mix.

How do we keep ourselves from the “trap” of certainty?

It may seem straightforward, but one of the best ways I have found to avoid falling into the “trap” of certainty is welcoming variety, challenge and potential discomfort (this is all a part of growth). If we keep an arsenal of information, opinions, and learning around ourselves, we will always have something to choose.

[As an aside, this is what makes me desperate and hungry for learning as a coach. I don’t have a signature approach or a “one size fits all” for my clients. I know I can’t come to you with certainty of any one outcome so my only signature is that I will be a good partner and be able to respond to the complexity of your world and your request.]

Of course, when it comes to many decisions you need to make, it is not about throwing caution to the wind. You have prior experience and information. You will want to base your decisions on something you believe is reliable. But also, you will create Plan B and C and D, and you will always have something to experiment and try again.

Ultimately what it comes down to is resilience, but not just any resilience; this is a very well-informed (and earned) resilience.

Keep focusing on your goal and keeping your mind open. You are receiving tons of information all the time, processing it and creating multiple solutions. You are constantly asking yourself questions: what if? What if? What if? You will come back again and again.

So, is certainty a good thing?

If it wasn’t all just an illusion, maybe it would be.

As for me, I’ll take uncertainty with a side of heavy resilience any day.

Photo by Matt Bero on Unsplash

When the Pie is only so Big

I recently asked members within my community to share topics that were on their minds. The challenges of work/life integration came up multiple times, and this encouraged me to research and dig deeper… to look for possible solutions.

The area I want to focus on today is around how we manage ALL of the various roles that we play.

What is the first thing on your mind when you open your eyes in the morning? For one of my clients, it is “I’m late…”

She begins her day with a sense of already being behind, feeling guilty and feeling unable to keep up with the various demands of each of her roles. We often think of our “role” at work, but we wear so many hats throughout our day and navigate – sometimes seemingly seamlessly – back and forth between them all. We don’t usually see ourselves as taking on these different personas. After all, you might think, I’m just ME. But, there is an energy and an effort to these many roles, and it can lead to many of the feelings my client expressed.

The one that bothered her the most: the feeling that she is not paying attention to her family and the people she loves.

You may wonder, if I am an executive coach, why are her feelings about her waking hours and family and – gasp – love, an area of her life I want to address? The reality is, when I coach someone, I am coaching them as a whole person. We cannot face the professional without the personal coming along for the ride.

I decided to try an exercise with her, and I encourage you to try this, too.

Make a list of all the roles that you play. And, be specific.

Your role can be a wife.

A mother.

A mother to a child with a disability.

A daughter.

A daughter to parents that live in two different cities.

A friend.

A friend of Jane who is going through an illness.

An athlete.

A sister.

A professional.

Now, did you make your list?

First, do not judge the list; simply reflect.

● How many roles do you have?

● What roles are dominant (perhaps not due to importance, but maybe burden)

● How do you feel about these roles?

Remember, this list is the whole you… it is YOU who will play these roles.

Now, go deeper in your reflection:

● Why do I play this role? (Compulsion? Interest? Expectation? Requirement?)

● Who made the decision that you will play this role? (Was it you?)

● To what extent do you enjoy this role?

● What is in it for you?

● Ask yourself: How does this role impact me progress on my way to be a better me, future me, progress? How does this role contribute to your development and growth?

● Which roles do you prefer to get rid of and why?

Some roles we are born into. Some roles we choose. Take an opportunity to analyze and reflect.

What do you observe?

Perhaps you have several roles you enjoy and some you don’t. What does this bring up for you?

For the roles that you have chosen, is there anything you have found you can take off of your plate that you hadn’t even considered? For example, perhaps you have several volunteering commitments. You see this as a big part of your life and an important role: that of a giver. You like to be active, but did you take on more and more without pausing?

Time to take action…

Now, to be honest, if I’m lucky enough, you read this article to the end and now you’re reading these words. (hi, by the way!)

This is a win for me and a win for you.

However, reading motivational content creates an illusion of change. To overcome this illusion, and make real progress, take the time to do the exercises above and reflect. One of the biggest gifts you can give to yourself is the gift of your own time, self-reflection, and self-care. Give yourself that gift now.

The people who propel themselves forward are the ones who practice and take action. They are open to failing (and “failing fast”), studying what happened and then getting back up again and doing something different.

Dig deep. Experiment. Reflect. Enjoy the process. What are the roles you play? What does your pie look like?

And, maybe most importantly: What are you ready to change?

Photo with a pie by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash, Photo with a woman with kids by Alexander Dummer on Unsplash

It’s time to talk: How to prepare for tough conversations*

* this article has been originally published on HRKatha

Many of us have tough conversations almost every single day. They happen at work, at home, with friends and a variety of other stakeholders. We discuss the next promotion, a raise, conflicts, ideas and initiatives at work. We have tough conversations with kids, spouses, partners, siblings and parents. These conversations can push us (and those around us) forward, can improve performance at work and can strengthen bonds. Even through the toughest of conversations, we have a chance to improve our relationships with the people we communicate with.

In reality, however, we prefer not to have these important conversations. We put them off, and in the process, lose an opportunity to solve the issue, seize an opportunity, resolve a conflict, or advance an idea. We put our life on pause, lose days, months, sometimes years, as we tell ourselves, we’ll have that conversation “someday…”

What makes some conversations difficult?

Why do we put off certain conversations? What’s so challenging about them? It has all to do with the uncertainty of outcomes. We have something in our mind that we want to achieve or get from the conversation, but our major fear is that the result will not meet our expectations.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We can leverage other tools at our disposal to make difficult conversations no longer something to be feared, but something to be embraced; just another aspect of moving through the world. To shift this thinking, we need an actionable plan that can help us to get unstuck and overcome the fear of having uneasy conversations through planning and preparation. A tool that exhausts all possible situations and outcomes would be challenging to navigate, so here, I’d like to offer a universal framework that can be easily tailored for each unique situation.

Preparation: What can be your win strategy? What do you do before the conversation?

A few simple questions have helped my clients design a flow to support them through this type of conversation:

• How can you reduce stress during this type of conversation, amplify the benefits, and minimize the risks of negative effects?

• How can you stop postponing a tough conversation and start acting?

These questions can provide a starting point to guide through the preparation process, which can include the following:

Clarify intent: Get clear on your intent and what you want to accomplish through the conversation. What is the purpose of the conversation? Be honest with yourself, it will help you discover a possible hidden agenda and make sure you understand possible outcomes.

Research your counterpart: What do you know about this person? What kind of personality do they have? What ruffles this person’s feathers? What is their value system? It’s important to understand how to build the conversation, whether to use more data, present the material in a more structured or less formal way, appeal to emotions, or use metaphors and so on.

Plan: Be aware of your own emotional triggers, needs and fears. Create a plan for how you are going to centre yourself if things go out of your control. Be clear on the personal boundaries that you’d like to keep and see respected.

Draw a list: Make up a checklist of topics/ideas/aspects you want to discuss. In a hard conversation, the increased stress may play with your memory. Having a list of key points to cover will help you stay focused and ensure you don’t miss anything important.

Consider the risks: Consider the best-case scenario. It will keep you motivated and engaged. Consider the worst- case scenario. It will help you evaluate risks. Ask yourself whether you can tolerate a possibility of the worst-case scenario. Through this work, you may find out that there is nothing to fear. In some cases, the risk of the worst-case scenario may outweigh the desired outcome, and the best way to act is to hold back the conversation and reconsider your options.

Rehearse. Practice makes perfect. Sometimes, you have very clear thoughts and ideas in your head, but when it is time to speak you cannot articulate them. Having challenging conversations is a skill that can be developed. Choose a person you trust (this can be your coach, friend, or mentor) to rehearse your part of the conversation. Ask them whether your intent is clear, whether your words deliver your message and how they feel at the receiving end.

During the conversation

While begin the conversation, stay positive, keep in mind the desirable outcome, believe in yourself. As Stephen Covey wrote in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, first seek to understand then to be understood.

  • Listen carefully as new information intake may help you adjust your strategy, shift your perception, or change your perspective. Listen not to respond, but to understand. Do not interrupt and let go of your immediate reaction. Reflect on what you heard by paraphrasing your partner’s arguments, use key words that your partner uses to make sure that you really understand them.
  • Do not assume, ask. Assumption is a killer of relationships and conversations. Stay centered, keep your integrity. Acknowledge your partner’s point of view, but don’t allow anything to break your boundaries. Brené Brown in her book, Dare to Lead, writes, “leaders need the grounded confidence to stay tethered to their values, respond rather than react emotionally, and operate from self-awareness, not self-protection.”
  • Stay curious and open-minded. Don’t seek to be right, seek to get right.
  • If you’re stuck, brainstorm. Invite your partner to brainstorm to find the best win-win solutions.
  • Breathe. When you breathe deeply, it sends a message to your brain to calm down and relax.
  • Smile. People reflect each other’s emotions. What do you want your partner to reflect?

What if something goes wrong?

Even with all the planning in the world, you cannot script out the conversation’s outcome. Something may not go as planned.

• Don’t take a rejection or a verbal attack personally. As one of my teachers taught me: It’s not about you, and they will never stop.

• Don’t burn the bridges even if everything is greased for the skids. Give an opportunity to all other parties to calm down, think again, and try to find a win-win solution again, next time.

The good news about difficult conversations is that another one will be right around the corner, offering you an opportunity to continue to hone and develop in this area.

I hope that this step-by-step approach will help you to start an important conversation that you didn’t previously dare to have. Don’t wait for the next time or “someday…” to come (what if it doesn’t?)…carpe diem.

Sources on nurturing relationships and strategies for tough conversations that I have found insightful are as follows:

• Brené Brown, Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. (2018)

• Mark Goulston, Talking to Crazy (2018)

• Nicole Unice, The Miracle Moment: How Tough Conversations Can Actually Transform Your Most Important Relationships (2021)

• Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (originally 1989)

P.S. A friend of mine said that it looked like the preparation takes more time than the conversation. Yes, it’s true. Sir Richard Branson, spent nearly 17 years on Virgin Galactic development to achieve his dream and reach space; his flight lasted for just 90 minutes.

How I Stopped Being Productive: Kanban

This week, when I started a three-week training program in Kanban for a new group, I remembered my promise to write about the book that became game changing for my task management and for my practice. My first meeting with Kanban happened a few years ago. It was love from first sight.

The book ‘Personal Kanban‘ by Jim Benson and Tonianne DeMaria literally revolutionized the way I had been managing tasks.

If you haven’t read this book yet. Read it and try in a real-world application. You’ll love it. The results will exceed your expectations. You will become not just productive but effective. You’ll do the right things at the right time.

Applying this to my life helped me see opportunities, finish my work, and become satisfied with my outcome.

Here are the benefits of Kanban in my personal life and career:

✅ Visualizing helped me to reduce the noise in my head.

✅ Limiting work in progress prevents me from being overwhelmed.

✅ It’s easier to organize my tasks using a board.

✅ Visual features like priorities, due dates, and descriptions on colorful cards help me keep focused on what needs to be done.

✅ The analysis of performance metrics enables me to improve my performance.

Implementing the Kanban method in our everyday life saves valuable time that we can better spend on leisure activities. Throughout the last years, we experimented a lot with my clients and found unique approaches to task management to satisfy diverse needs and personality types.

What is your Kanban experience? Share it with me in the comments 😀

Send me a message if you need assistance implementing Kanban in your personal and professional life. It’s a pleasure for me.

If you’re interested to learn more, you can watch my videos from Time/Task Management Series:

The Single Biggest Way to Deepen Relationships: Come As You Are

Check out one of the earlier posts in my series about toxic positivity here.

I have a mixed relationship with positivity.

Of course, I think it is great to feel joy and happiness, but the truth is, we have an entire range of emotions. And, if we feel we are consistently trying to “look on the bright side” and not let anyone “see us sweat,” we are doing both ourselves and those around us a disservice.

Enter toxic positivity.

As I shared in a prior post on this topic, to live in a state of forced positivity and to white-knuckle ourselves to happiness is counter-productive to our growth, our truth, and our peace.

While many people embrace positivity for the sake of their interactions with others – and wanting to appear in a certain light or not rock the boat – ironically, one of the main areas of collateral damage from toxic positivity is its negative impact on our relationships.

False (+Forced) Positivity in Action

I had a coaching engagement with a client who was working on her relationships. She saw herself as a positive person who always thought positively of other people. She didn’t question them. She acknowledged that she put people on pedestals, as in an art gallery or a museum.

Do these people ever do anything wrong? Respond negatively? Do they ever hurt you? I asked.

She responded that, if they do, she then puts them in a closet.

“I assume they don’t care or want to hurt me; and I don’t want to be around them. If they apologize, they can leave the closet.”

“What are the chances of this?” I inquired.

“Not too big,” she ultimately replied.

If they did overcome and apologize, she let me know she would put them back on the pedestals but would keep her eye on them.

In our work together, we came to a place where we recognized together that her desire for constant positivity had severely impacted her relationships. When everything was positive (even if only on the surface) everything was “fine”; and her relationships could remain. When anything became too real, serious, constructive, or negative, she feared ruining her relationships and would put them away.

Did this help? In the short term, it may have, but ultimately, we realized, she would have a lot of people in closets, unable to connect with them, and everyone else out on pedestals collecting dust.

Deeper, authentic and more genuine relationships with all would open up the possibility for more hurt but would also allow for a new level of connection.

The view from the other side

Through false positivity, we keep people at arm’s length and can be found putting people on a pedestal simply to avoid the truth.

When initially confronted with ongoing positivity, I may react… well, positively… but as our relationship grows, I may feel something is wrong or false. I will come up with a lot of assumptions and might be afraid to ask because I am not sure about our level of trust. I may wonder, are you hiding something from me?

This questioning is simply because we are human, and this is what our brain does when we know something is wrong. We sense a discrepancy, and this initiates a feeling of danger.

If we are putting on a “positive” show and not being truly ourselves, what will people see? What will they feel? How deep will our connection be?

If we know some of these negative impacts, why do we still force our positive attitude?

In most cases, we are afraid of judgment. What we have observed is that if you are “good” and “positive” you receive many compliments and have less problems. We see the behavior that is rewarded; so, it is only natural we try to mimic that which is beneficial.

As we recognize this and work to expand our relationships authentically, there are a few things we can keep in mind.

Tips on how to make relationships deeper, stronger, and more sustainable.

I am very careful when I look at people, but what I remember is they have inner light. I will give them chances to open their heart, to trust me and show this light. This is about creating relationships. If we allow each of us to ignite one light after another, what a beautiful planet it could be.

Showing up as you… real and raw… is actually beneficial and can deepen your relationships. Here are some ways to do this:

● Don’t put people on a pedestal. They are humans and we all can use some compassion.

● Stop assuming. Start asking.

● Share your feelings. Don’t blame. Express your truth.

● Start any conversation by sharing your intent.

● Listen to learn, not to respond.

● Remember about the inner light. Look into their eyes and try to recognize this light. It’s always there.

Are you ready to kick toxic positivity to the curb in your relationships? Are you ready to dig deep and get real?

It can be challenging and vulnerable, but the pay-off will be great.

Practice some of these tips and share with me your results.

Photo by Cornelia Steinwender on Unsplash