Posts exploring the relational dimension of leadership—trust, communication, conflict resolution, accountability, and the space between people where meaningful work becomes possible.

Tag Archive for: Partnership

Flexing the Listening Muscle: The Crucial Role of Engaged Listening in Leadership

In the dynamic realm of leadership, where decisions and directives shape organizational futures, the ability to listen—truly listen—is a skill that sets exceptional leaders apart. Engaged listening is more than just hearing or repeating words; it’s an active, conscious effort to understand and empathize. This nuanced form of listening is an invaluable asset, fostering trust, collaboration, and innovation. In a world where the pace of change is relentless, flexing the listening muscle is never obsolete.

The Benefits of Engaged Listening in Leadership

Engaged listening offers profound benefits to leaders and their teams. By fostering an environment where every voice is valued, leaders can cultivate a culture of trust and mutual respect. Neuroscientific research underscores the importance of this skill. Studies indicate that active listening engages multiple areas of the brain, enhancing emotional regulation and empathy. When leaders listen attentively, they activate the brain’s mirror neuron system, which helps in understanding others’ emotions and intentions, creating stronger interpersonal connections.

Engaged listening also enhances decision-making. By thoroughly understanding diverse perspectives, leaders can make more informed, balanced decisions. This inclusivity leads to higher employee engagement and retention, as team members feel valued and heard. Furthermore, engaged listening mitigates conflicts, as it promotes open communication and understanding, reducing misunderstandings and fostering a collaborative atmosphere.

Strategies for Improvement

  1. Cultivate Focus: Eliminate distractions during conversations. This means silencing electronic devices and maintaining eye contact. Show genuine interest through body language, nodding, and verbal affirmations.
  2. Develop Self-Awareness: Recognize your biases and preconceptions. Approach conversations with an open mind, ready to understand rather than judge. This self-awareness can prevent premature conclusions and foster more meaningful interactions.
  3. Foster Curiosity: Ask open-ended questions that encourage deeper dialogue. Show genuine curiosity about others’ viewpoints. This not only demonstrates respect but also uncovers valuable insights that might otherwise be missed.
  4. Practice Reflective Listening: Paraphrase and summarize what the other person has said. This confirms your understanding and shows the speaker that you are fully engaged. Reflective listening can also clarify points and ensure mutual understanding.
  5. Empower Others: Create a safe space for team members to express their thoughts without fear of interruption or judgment. Encourage quieter team members to share their ideas, fostering a more inclusive environment.

Real-World Examples

Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft: When Satya Nadella became CEO, he emphasized a culture of empathy and listening. His approach transformed Microsoft’s internal culture, promoting collaboration and innovation. Nadella’s engaged listening style has been credited with breaking down silos within the company, leading to a more cohesive and innovative organization.

Mary Barra, CEO of General Motors: Mary Barra is renowned for her leadership style that emphasizes listening and collaboration. When she became CEO, she faced the monumental task of addressing GM’s ignition switch crisis. Instead of dictating solutions, Barra listened to her team, encouraging open communication and transparency. She held town hall meetings and one-on-one sessions to understand employees’ perspectives and concerns. This approach not only helped resolve the crisis but also fostered a culture of trust and accountability within the company. Barra’s commitment to engaged listening has been instrumental in driving GM’s innovation and cultural transformation, making her a respected leader in the automotive industry.

How to Practice Engaged Listening Daily

  1. Schedule “Listening Hours”: Dedicate specific times for one-on-one meetings where you solely focus on listening to team members’ concerns and ideas.
  2. Start Meetings with a Listening Exercise: Begin meetings by inviting team members to share their thoughts on the agenda topics without interruption. This sets a tone of mutual respect and openness.
  3. Implement “Listen-First” Policies: Encourage a culture where listening precedes any decision-making. This ensures all voices are heard and considered.
  4. Start a conversation with the question: “How can I help?” then listen to understand how you can be helpful.

Resources

Articles:

Books:

  1. “Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone” by Mark Goulston This book offers practical advice on how to listen effectively and communicate with impact, crucial for leaders looking to improve their interpersonal skills in a high-stakes environment.
  2. “Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust & Get Extraordinary Results” by Judith E. Glaser This book explores how to harness the power of conversation to build trust and foster a collaborative atmosphere, essential for leaders aiming to create a more inclusive and open communication culture.
  3. “The Trusted Advisor” by David H. Maister, Charles H. Green, and Robert M. Galford Focusing on building trust through effective listening and communication, this book is a valuable resource for leaders who want to strengthen relationships and enhance their influence.
  4. “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler This book provides strategies for navigating difficult conversations with confidence and skill, helping leaders to manage high-stakes interactions more effectively.

A Note from the Author

Engaged listening is not a passive activity but an active, intentional practice that can transform leadership effectiveness. By developing this skill, you can foster a more collaborative, innovative, and empathetic organizational culture. In your day-to-day interactions, this means making a conscious effort to be present, understand, and respond thoughtfully. As a leader, practicing engaged listening not only enhances individual relationships but also strengthens the fabric of your entire organization.

I invite you to share your thoughts, ask questions, or provide your perspective on the importance of engaged listening in leadership. Your insights can enrich the conversation and help others learn from your experiences. If you found this article helpful, consider sharing it with colleagues or friends who could benefit from understanding the power of engaged listening. Let’s continue to build a community where every voice is valued and every leader is an exceptional listener.

Warmly, Maria Wade

The Power of Effective Feedback: Using the SBI Approach

Feedback is a powerful tool for growth, yet it’s often approached with hesitation and uncertainty. This month, I’d like to delve into the intricacies of feedback, shedding light on its dual nature – both giving and receiving. But first, let me share a conversation that highlights the challenges many leaders face:

Coach: What accountability system do you use with your team?

Leader: Honestly, I'm not sure it's an effective one. 
I hate yelling at people.

This response isn’t unusual. Many leaders grapple with the challenge of seeking accountability and delivering feedback. Feedback has long been associated with confrontation, and the mere idea of it makes most people uneasy. Today, let’s tackle this misconception head-on and delve deeper into the art and science of feedback.

Feedback: A Conversation, Not a Confrontation

It’s a shared belief: every time we offer feedback, we risk jeopardizing our relationships. But should feedback always be linked to potential conflict? My perspective is no. It’s essential to distinguish between performance-centric discussions and conversations that might harm relationships. Feedback, when done correctly, can be a constructive tool, nurturing growth and promoting understanding.

Enter the SBI Feedback Method

The Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) approach to feedback has been a game-changer for many, including myself. Why? Because it structures feedback in a way that is clear, factual, and devoid of emotional baggage.

  • Situation: Specifies when and where a particular behavior occurred.
  • Behavior: Describes the observable action in question.
  • Impact: Explains how the behavior had a real or potential effect, be it on individuals, team dynamics, or even broader business results.

By adhering to this method, we steer clear of assumptions, avoid casting aspersions on intentions, and refrain from speculating about motivations. Instead, the focus remains solely on observable behaviors and their outcomes.

Receiving Feedback through the SBI Lens

While the SBI approach is invaluable when giving feedback, it’s equally transformative when on the receiving end. Let’s explore this through a real-life dialogue:

Coach: What continues to be an area of development in interpersonal 
communication for Mike?

Manager: Mike's communication has improved significantly during the 
last few months. However, he can still come off as abrasive, 
especially when he's convinced he's right.

Coach: Can you recall the most recent occasion when you observed 
this type of communication?

Manager: It's hard to pinpoint. Perhaps a few months ago...

Coach: Are we considering behavior from a period outside our 
current focus?

Manager: Yes, probably...

This interaction underscores a common challenge: feedback that lacks specificity. In such cases, it’s crucial to seek clarity. Facts anchor feedback, making it actionable and relevant. Without clear context (Event, Place, Behavior), and understanding the Real or Potential Impact, feedback can become a vague cloud of assumptions.

Feedback, whether giving or receiving, need not be a dreaded process. By employing the SBI approach and rooting our observations in facts, we can make feedback an enriching experience, fostering growth and fostering genuine understanding.

For those keen on delving deeper, numerous studies and research pieces elaborate on the science and effectiveness behind the SBI method. But for now, let this serve as an introduction to a tool that might just redefine your approach to feedback.

Stay tuned for more insights and strategies to navigate the intricate realm of leadership and personal growth. Feedback is an art, and like all arts, it requires practice, understanding, and the right tools.

When the Pie is only so Big

I recently asked members within my community to share topics that were on their minds. The challenges of work/life integration came up multiple times, and this encouraged me to research and dig deeper… to look for possible solutions.

The area I want to focus on today is around how we manage ALL of the various roles that we play.

What is the first thing on your mind when you open your eyes in the morning? For one of my clients, it is “I’m late…”

She begins her day with a sense of already being behind, feeling guilty and feeling unable to keep up with the various demands of each of her roles. We often think of our “role” at work, but we wear so many hats throughout our day and navigate – sometimes seemingly seamlessly – back and forth between them all. We don’t usually see ourselves as taking on these different personas. After all, you might think, I’m just ME. But, there is an energy and an effort to these many roles, and it can lead to many of the feelings my client expressed.

The one that bothered her the most: the feeling that she is not paying attention to her family and the people she loves.

You may wonder, if I am an executive coach, why are her feelings about her waking hours and family and – gasp – love, an area of her life I want to address? The reality is, when I coach someone, I am coaching them as a whole person. We cannot face the professional without the personal coming along for the ride.

I decided to try an exercise with her, and I encourage you to try this, too.

Make a list of all the roles that you play. And, be specific.

Your role can be a wife.

A mother.

A mother to a child with a disability.

A daughter.

A daughter to parents that live in two different cities.

A friend.

A friend of Jane who is going through an illness.

An athlete.

A sister.

A professional.

Now, did you make your list?

First, do not judge the list; simply reflect.

● How many roles do you have?

● What roles are dominant (perhaps not due to importance, but maybe burden)

● How do you feel about these roles?

Remember, this list is the whole you… it is YOU who will play these roles.

Now, go deeper in your reflection:

● Why do I play this role? (Compulsion? Interest? Expectation? Requirement?)

● Who made the decision that you will play this role? (Was it you?)

● To what extent do you enjoy this role?

● What is in it for you?

● Ask yourself: How does this role impact me progress on my way to be a better me, future me, progress? How does this role contribute to your development and growth?

● Which roles do you prefer to get rid of and why?

Some roles we are born into. Some roles we choose. Take an opportunity to analyze and reflect.

What do you observe?

Perhaps you have several roles you enjoy and some you don’t. What does this bring up for you?

For the roles that you have chosen, is there anything you have found you can take off of your plate that you hadn’t even considered? For example, perhaps you have several volunteering commitments. You see this as a big part of your life and an important role: that of a giver. You like to be active, but did you take on more and more without pausing?

Time to take action…

Now, to be honest, if I’m lucky enough, you read this article to the end and now you’re reading these words. (hi, by the way!)

This is a win for me and a win for you.

However, reading motivational content creates an illusion of change. To overcome this illusion, and make real progress, take the time to do the exercises above and reflect. One of the biggest gifts you can give to yourself is the gift of your own time, self-reflection, and self-care. Give yourself that gift now.

The people who propel themselves forward are the ones who practice and take action. They are open to failing (and “failing fast”), studying what happened and then getting back up again and doing something different.

Dig deep. Experiment. Reflect. Enjoy the process. What are the roles you play? What does your pie look like?

And, maybe most importantly: What are you ready to change?

Photo with a pie by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash, Photo with a woman with kids by Alexander Dummer on Unsplash

It’s time to talk: How to prepare for tough conversations*

* this article has been originally published on HRKatha

Many of us have tough conversations almost every single day. They happen at work, at home, with friends and a variety of other stakeholders. We discuss the next promotion, a raise, conflicts, ideas and initiatives at work. We have tough conversations with kids, spouses, partners, siblings and parents. These conversations can push us (and those around us) forward, can improve performance at work and can strengthen bonds. Even through the toughest of conversations, we have a chance to improve our relationships with the people we communicate with.

In reality, however, we prefer not to have these important conversations. We put them off, and in the process, lose an opportunity to solve the issue, seize an opportunity, resolve a conflict, or advance an idea. We put our life on pause, lose days, months, sometimes years, as we tell ourselves, we’ll have that conversation “someday…”

What makes some conversations difficult?

Why do we put off certain conversations? What’s so challenging about them? It has all to do with the uncertainty of outcomes. We have something in our mind that we want to achieve or get from the conversation, but our major fear is that the result will not meet our expectations.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We can leverage other tools at our disposal to make difficult conversations no longer something to be feared, but something to be embraced; just another aspect of moving through the world. To shift this thinking, we need an actionable plan that can help us to get unstuck and overcome the fear of having uneasy conversations through planning and preparation. A tool that exhausts all possible situations and outcomes would be challenging to navigate, so here, I’d like to offer a universal framework that can be easily tailored for each unique situation.

Preparation: What can be your win strategy? What do you do before the conversation?

A few simple questions have helped my clients design a flow to support them through this type of conversation:

• How can you reduce stress during this type of conversation, amplify the benefits, and minimize the risks of negative effects?

• How can you stop postponing a tough conversation and start acting?

These questions can provide a starting point to guide through the preparation process, which can include the following:

Clarify intent: Get clear on your intent and what you want to accomplish through the conversation. What is the purpose of the conversation? Be honest with yourself, it will help you discover a possible hidden agenda and make sure you understand possible outcomes.

Research your counterpart: What do you know about this person? What kind of personality do they have? What ruffles this person’s feathers? What is their value system? It’s important to understand how to build the conversation, whether to use more data, present the material in a more structured or less formal way, appeal to emotions, or use metaphors and so on.

Plan: Be aware of your own emotional triggers, needs and fears. Create a plan for how you are going to centre yourself if things go out of your control. Be clear on the personal boundaries that you’d like to keep and see respected.

Draw a list: Make up a checklist of topics/ideas/aspects you want to discuss. In a hard conversation, the increased stress may play with your memory. Having a list of key points to cover will help you stay focused and ensure you don’t miss anything important.

Consider the risks: Consider the best-case scenario. It will keep you motivated and engaged. Consider the worst- case scenario. It will help you evaluate risks. Ask yourself whether you can tolerate a possibility of the worst-case scenario. Through this work, you may find out that there is nothing to fear. In some cases, the risk of the worst-case scenario may outweigh the desired outcome, and the best way to act is to hold back the conversation and reconsider your options.

Rehearse. Practice makes perfect. Sometimes, you have very clear thoughts and ideas in your head, but when it is time to speak you cannot articulate them. Having challenging conversations is a skill that can be developed. Choose a person you trust (this can be your coach, friend, or mentor) to rehearse your part of the conversation. Ask them whether your intent is clear, whether your words deliver your message and how they feel at the receiving end.

During the conversation

While begin the conversation, stay positive, keep in mind the desirable outcome, believe in yourself. As Stephen Covey wrote in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, first seek to understand then to be understood.

  • Listen carefully as new information intake may help you adjust your strategy, shift your perception, or change your perspective. Listen not to respond, but to understand. Do not interrupt and let go of your immediate reaction. Reflect on what you heard by paraphrasing your partner’s arguments, use key words that your partner uses to make sure that you really understand them.
  • Do not assume, ask. Assumption is a killer of relationships and conversations. Stay centered, keep your integrity. Acknowledge your partner’s point of view, but don’t allow anything to break your boundaries. Brené Brown in her book, Dare to Lead, writes, “leaders need the grounded confidence to stay tethered to their values, respond rather than react emotionally, and operate from self-awareness, not self-protection.”
  • Stay curious and open-minded. Don’t seek to be right, seek to get right.
  • If you’re stuck, brainstorm. Invite your partner to brainstorm to find the best win-win solutions.
  • Breathe. When you breathe deeply, it sends a message to your brain to calm down and relax.
  • Smile. People reflect each other’s emotions. What do you want your partner to reflect?

What if something goes wrong?

Even with all the planning in the world, you cannot script out the conversation’s outcome. Something may not go as planned.

• Don’t take a rejection or a verbal attack personally. As one of my teachers taught me: It’s not about you, and they will never stop.

• Don’t burn the bridges even if everything is greased for the skids. Give an opportunity to all other parties to calm down, think again, and try to find a win-win solution again, next time.

The good news about difficult conversations is that another one will be right around the corner, offering you an opportunity to continue to hone and develop in this area.

I hope that this step-by-step approach will help you to start an important conversation that you didn’t previously dare to have. Don’t wait for the next time or “someday…” to come (what if it doesn’t?)…carpe diem.

Sources on nurturing relationships and strategies for tough conversations that I have found insightful are as follows:

• Brené Brown, Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. (2018)

• Mark Goulston, Talking to Crazy (2018)

• Nicole Unice, The Miracle Moment: How Tough Conversations Can Actually Transform Your Most Important Relationships (2021)

• Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (originally 1989)

P.S. A friend of mine said that it looked like the preparation takes more time than the conversation. Yes, it’s true. Sir Richard Branson, spent nearly 17 years on Virgin Galactic development to achieve his dream and reach space; his flight lasted for just 90 minutes.

Throwing Out Old Assumptions: How to Listen Differently

Have you ever thought about the way you listen to the people in your lives? I mean, really thought about it? If you observe this, you will begin to notice that we often discount the opinions and perspectives of the ones closest to us.

Why is this?

We make assumptions. We believe we understand their behavior patterns and habits. We believe, as a result of this knowledge, that we can predict their words and their thoughts.

We hear them but we aren’t actually listening.

Not surprisingly, this has a great impact on both ourselves and on our partnerships. We miss opportunities to get insights, to learn, to make informed decisions and to strengthen and deepen our relationships.

After all, we have good reason to tune out and be easily irritated. Don’t we? These are our partners, children, parents, friends, colleagues, partners… the people we talk to day in and day out…. Right?

In reality, the words of the people closest to you have more power than we give credit. These are the individuals who know you best. They can ignite an insight inside of you that you might never imagine on your own.

How does this play out?

Are you curious what this might look like in different facets of your life?

– As a leader, you may make assumptions or hold on to some unconscious bias about the people closest to you. Are you discounting the opinions of people on your team because you have pigeon-holed them and their perspective? Or, simply because they are more “junior” than you?

– In your personal life, family/friends are what many of us ascribe as having the biggest value and impact on us, but on the other hand, our actions reflect that we don’t take time to foster and develop these relationships because they are such a “given”. Family dynamics can be complicated, and each situation is unique. Consider how you are showing up, listening actively and being present for the conversations with those in your household, immediate family and circle of friends.

– And, finally, to my fellow coaches: when we work with the same client for a long period of time, we can fall into the trap of sessions becoming too predetermined. We don’t ask enough. We stop being curious. This is a mistake. We work with our clients on their development, and this client today is not the same client as they were yesterday. This is a good reminder for all of us to interact with them in this manner.

So, what do we do?

There’re a few very simple actions you can take to check yourself when it comes to conversations with those closest to you.

  1. Think before you listen. If you are heading into a conversation with someone where you know you will be asking for advice or getting someone’s perspective, take a very brief moment to set an intention for being open to receiving what they have to say with as little expectation as possible. Remind yourself that because they are close to you, there may be a subconscious reaction to tune them out which can help you guard against that.
  2. Stay focused on this conversation. Listen as though this was a new friend or colleague sharing with you. Notice how you listen differently.
  3. If you find yourself making assumptions, take a moment to pause the conversation and ask a question (or a few).
  4. As you walk away from the conversation, take a minute to reflect without judging yourself and simply observe: How did that go? What assumptions did I bring into the conversation? Was I open to receive their input?

Do you notice a difference in how you think about your interactions after this reflection? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash